The Best type of catch up

Somehow this evening my mom and I were talking about extended family and what everyone was doing in their lives, and I made a comment that I felt a family member had written "THE" unanimous letter in March 2019. She told me it wasn't who I thought it was. After sitting thinking back to that day it made me realize how far we have come in our little family lives. Back then Megan was in therapy, I had just started therapy, Justin was working night shift, I was working for a company I hated, life was so hard. Fast forward and I can truly see God's Grace in our lives. 

      In just two weeks we are moving to South Carolina! I will no longer be working, Justin working first shift, we will be in a home with bedrooms for each kid. Megan graduated therapy last month, and I am graduating therapy by default because we are moving out of state of my therapist (lol) I just want to pretend that I am a fixed woman and say I am graduating too though. lol. In reality my therapist may read this and shake her head, knowing perfectly well I am not a changed woman. I still struggle with self worth, and finding happiness, but I also think she would say that I have come so far. 

      I went into such detail when our trials were hard. When the small rainbows in Meg's pictures were what gave me hope. Well let me share that Megan is as wonderful and happy as she has ever been! She sings, dances, makes jokes, plays with her siblings. She is absolutely in the best place she has ever been. I credit this to her amazing therapist Kara. I credit this to Megan who has worked so hard to be where she is, I credit this to Justin and I who prayed over her, worked with her, and mostly loved her. But the greatest credit goes to God. He knew exactly what my baby needed, and he trusted me to give it to her. I have learned more about Love these past few years then anything. I have learned that what I desire so much is the same that every other person Needs! There is not enough love given. It makes my mommy heart so happy when I hear my kids sing. That to me means happiness abounds. So I wanted to update on that very important part of our lives. 

       God has placed us in families for a reason. I know that coming from a broken home, what impacts that has had on my life. On my self worth. I know what comes from a sealed hard working family that stays together. It is love and happiness. Children do need a father and a mother. Each has talents and abilities that simply put the other does not. Justin can go out and play with the kids where I can hug and emotionally comfort them. Each so important, but so different. What had been missing in our marriage for a long time was a family unit that was on the same time table. A family struggles when it can't work as a family. When you have two parents that aren't ever together, means that there are two single parents. It impacts every facet of life. Truly! I know that these years of marriage up to this point are so that this next part would be oh so delicious. I won't take it for granted. At least I will try not to. 

       I get to be a stay at home mom now! God has made a way for me to be home and make sure all of the things that need attention are given the proper attention they need. Justin will be supporting our family financially and together we will truly be able to raise our family up to God. I am so excited for this next chapter. Will it have its struggles, we of course. I actually hold my breath for them. But I also now believe that God blesses. And he doesn't do it just once. That is something my therapist has really helped me to see. 

        A year and a half ago I was so jealous of the happiness others had in their lives. It still is something I have to consciously work on. Like I have to actually say to myself, this will make you happy. lol. And then when I feel happy unexpectedly, it makes me cry out of gratitude. 

       Its hard to always feel grateful for a trial, especially when you are in the middle of it, and maybe its because I feel the low of the waves right now that I can say this, but I truly am thankful for how far we have come. How far I have come. I know my family has worth. I know I have worth, because God created me. That, that in itself gives me worth. But he put more into me then just a shell. He gave me the ability to love deeply. He gave me an open book personality. 

       Let me assure you that God does not want us to walk alone in this difficult wilderness. He doesn't. He places in our lives people who we can love and who can loves us. He shows me every day that if you have someone to love then you have someone to love you. In this world where politics are more polarizing, I truly hope that my little message of love can be heard. I know we come from different sides of things. That doesn't make either of us bad. It just means we have a different way of getting to the same common goal. We just want to be happy. So lets try and make the way a little bit easier, and try and love someone else a little more. But don't forget that without loving yourself first, love doesn't have the same meaning. When we heal the broken vessel first, we are able to carry water to others that need it also. I am not near done being fixed, but I am learning to self care more. Lets not just make it home to God, lets make it home to God happy. And this can be done with Self care, and loving others. 

       So for now I will say good bye, I'll write another update down the road, but I really wanted to write tonight. We've come so far. I can't imagine what another year and half will look like. Life feels so good right now. I think it will continue to, if I focus on loving myself, loving my family, loving God, and loving others. I think in this there is wisdom. In this there is peace. 

Is love conditional? Or do we make love conditional?

So much has happened since my last blog post. I guess I should start from the beginning.
      I was laid off due to COVID at the end of May. I was so incredibly stressed out with school being virtual with the kids and working full time, and going off my depression meds. It was one of those experiences where I was so upset to be laid off, but also so grateful that I no longer was torn between being a 100% employee and 100% stay at home mom. Doing both at the same time is impossible. Up to that moment I had been praying each day for strength to do just one more day. So when I was laid off it was a relief on one hand that I had the decision made for me but then if I could be a stay at home mom without that income I would have made that decision a long time ago. So then the next stressor came right after one left, which was how was I going to ensure that my family could financially survive COVID.
      So after a lot of prayer, crying, and pleading, Heavenly Father helped me to see that His hand was in everything. It started long before I was laid off, and He reminded me that He would be there for me long after also.
     So since I was laid off we have decided to move to a new place, a less expensive state, so that I can be a stay at home mom. I will be working in my own way to support our family, but we will be structuring our whole new lives to living under one income respectively. This means that all though Maryland is one of the most beautiful places I have or ever will live, it is also one of the most expensive places to raise a family. I grew up here, and I have always known it was expensive, but as I have grown up and now have a family of my own, I now know how hard my mom had to work to help us survive after my parents divorced. So we where are we moving you might ask? Well when we know you will know. So we have been working so hard for the past 6 weeks to get the house ready to sell, and uproot our family and move to where God wants us to be. We put the house on the market next week. I am both excited and nervous. When Justin and I first had the strong impression that this is what we needed to do, we knew exactly how people would react. They would see it has irresponsible, financially a big mistake, and several other unpopular views. I told my therapist before I told anyone else. She is rather like family, except she really can say anything to me and I accept it. When I told her I held my breath, and waited for her to express the reaction I expected from anyone. Well she said that she was so happy for me and that she thought it was a great thing for me. I remember telling her just how shocked by her response I was, and she was more or less saddened that the people around us would have a negative response. But what I loved about her reasoning for being so supportive was something she and I had discussed. I spoke to her about God, and how He had so directly given me the direction we should go. She in her wisdom asked me, "Why would your parents not support you?" And I explained how they would see moving without a job as reckless with a family. She then said, "But you are just living what they have taught you. That should make them happy." And it hit me so hard that she was right. My whole life I have been taught to trust God, and do what He commands us to do. My therapist more or less helped me to see that if anyone was negative or unsupportive of what we were doing, all we needed to say in response was, "Our whole lives we have been taught to have Faith in God, and trust in Him. And I am doing exactly what I was taught. We are doing what God has commanded us to do." This is how I have been able to handle the past 6 weeks getting a house ready for the market, packing to move, and looking for a new job, new house, new schools, etc. Some days I have forgotten that God's hand has been in all of the details of our past few months. But when I do sit and really think about it, I truly can see His hand in it all. Has it all come together in the ways that I want. Nope. Nor will it. I have been reminded that my path is not the same as God's. I try and align myself the best I can with what God wants, but I am different then God, thus my ways are different. But with those differences God has still managed to show me that He loves us. It hasn't been easy. We had issues with projects around the house, money is tight, and anxiety and depression are still so real, plus add big changes we are trying to prepare our kids for. Megan is graduating therapy and although a HUGE thing, it is also very scary for her and us. We are just trying to take things one day at a time. We don't have a job offer yet, but that is okay. Has it tested my faith, well Yes it has. I am learning a lot about God this year. I am learning that His love is not conditional. He does want the best for us. But He also doesn't hold blessings as hostages. Faith is truly learning to trust that the same God we read in the Bible who parted the Red Sea, or who Healed the Sick, who Created the Earth, is the same God that can find us a job and that can move us to a good place. As I have learned while praying, fasting and reading scriptures these past few weeks, sometimes God gives us the bigger picture for us to follow, but most of the time He gives us just a page or two and then another chapter etc until we have proven that no matter what we still believe in God.
       My knowledge of faith is not perfected yet, but I am learning so much. I am grateful to a Heavenly Father who doesn't punish me when I sometimes say out loud, "Seriously why couldn't you just give us that job?" And I have questioned His love, when I put so much faith and fasting into a request for it only to feel like it fell on deaf ears. It has felt like that more than not. But then we have window miracles (a story for another time) where I cry and pray for forgiveness, and say thank you Heaven ward about 1000 times on my way to pick up said miracle.
       Has our story come to a happy ending? Not yet. But I know it will be okay. I know because the reason we started this whole crazy process is because God told us to. That is how I know it will be okay.
     I write this realizing that I have several family and friends that don't believe in a higher being. And I know they would question me, and probably want to point out all of the times I questioned God's love as maybe there isn't a God. But it is very important to me  that they know that although I hear what you are saying, and I don't want to discount what you are saying, but for me God isn't a question mark. For me the only thing that I question is, Why don't I feel deserving of God's love? I have been taught in many regards that love is conditional. And frankly that is not how I try and love, and I don't think Love should be like that. So there you go. My faith may come in question but only because I am still learning about how God loves me, and feeling deserving of that love, and asking for that love.
      So until the next post... Wish us God's love and grace. I couldn't have done any of this without Him but also without a husband who loves God just as much as I do. All we want is to live our best lives with God at the helm. So forward we go!

The Wilderness to Finding myself

Its just been one of those weekends where I can't stop thinking about life. My brother shared with me this wonderful song with me: https://www.facebook.com/wesleyfreedom/videos/843996476076129/

I wrote that first part some two or three weeks ago. What was once a weekend of thinking about my life it has turned into several weeks. The curse and blessing of COVID-19. I have so many thoughts about so many different things and its not going to come out eloquent at all I am sure.

Where do I start... When COVID-19 happened some 7 to 8 weeks ago (official quarantine) I went through a lot of ups and downs. From working from home being nice, to being stressful, to normal life. With balancing being a full time employee who was use to giving my full attention for 8 hours a day to it alone to then being thrust into being a full time mom during those same working hours. The balance between am I being a good mom, teacher and guide to my children, and full time best employee I could be. It was a lot. That and we had watched the movie "I Still Believe." It was the perfect storm one could say for thinking about life. I started to think about how much I wanted to give all of me (my attention and time and energy) to being 100% a mom all day long. Work began to hurt. I struggled to put myself in a closet to tell my kids I couldn't focus on them and to work for the job I had grown accustomed to. I told myself that I wasn't meant to work from home. When in reality I wasn't meant to work outside the home. I had through circumstance of finances been pushed into working full time outside of the home not of my free will but out of necessity. But now I was in the place I wanted to be all of the time, and it hurt to be there. It hurt to be home. To have the constant reminder of what I couldn't be, what I couldn't have all of the time. The pain became so much that for a good week I considered quitting my job.  My evenings were filled with dread for the next day when I had to somehow work 8 hours doing something my heart no longer wanted to stay. That was around week 3 of COVID-19.
      Well the perfect storm led to a survey monkey survey. I was trying to pulse people in my life to see how they viewed me. After watching the movie "I Still Believe" it really made me start to question why I was sent to earth at this time. You see in church we learn about dispensations, and how important things happen in certain dispensations that ultimately have a signficant purpose in God's plan. I wanted to feel like I had a purpose you know. The movie made me think of my relationship with God, but mostly it made me think of God's purpose in making me. Since I was in my teenage years I was told that I was among a special generation of God's children, and that we were sent to earth at this TIME for a reason. I'll tell you that although as a child that made me feel super special, it really confused me growing up also. I never felt like I found myself, because I felt I was waiting for a burning feeling in my body to tell me that this was indeed what I had been created for. A task so important that God made ME for it. This has stuck with my my whole life. I have wandered my life looking for this. What I hate is that, that burning feeling has never come. But I often thought it was because I wasn't doing any of the things on my list. You know the list of who you want to be when you grow up, where you want to live etc. During the years of high school where you start to imagine growing up, I couldn't picture anything more than who I wanted to marry. Nothing was more important to me then finding someone to love, who loved me back. Which is why it is no surprise that I didn't apply to college, I didn't have a list of things I was good at and should pursue. No all I wanted was to be loved. So I had to rely on God a lot when I was 18 and 19. I trusted that He knew me better than anyone, and He had planned on me being 19 with no clue of what I wanted to be when I grew up. And He did lead me. There is no question that God led me during that time. I got that strong burning feeling when it came to a few decisions in my life, but mostly about do I turn right or do I turn left. I would make a decision and God always confirmed whether it was right or wrong in some way. And He did that until I married Justin Tate in the Bountiful Temple. But then after that I realized I hadn't thought any further than that. I hadn't really thought about having kids, or a career, or what life looked like after I had found someone to love me as much as I loved them. And I guess I have felt it a bit quiet from Heaven in that regard. I don't get the confirmations I once use to get. Don't get me wrong, I still feel close to God, but He hasn't given me that burning feeling about ME. Does that make sense.
       So I thought, well just like every time I have had to make a decision I just have to do it, and then God will confirm after. So I wanted a place to start. So I thought of Survey Monkey. The intent behind this was to post some of the things I thought I wanted to be "when I grew up". I posted it to my facebook and instagram pages. I had about 15 people fill it out. The questions ranged from what is our relationship to should I quit my job over the hopes of something better, to should I be a writer, a lyricist, business owner, stay at home mom etc. I just wanted to see how people see me. I was hoping that maybe the answer of Why was I created would be answered through the answers in the survey. Several of the responses told me how sad they felt for me that I was asking other earthly people why I was created, what my purpose is, what I should do. Several told me it was a question I should give to God. What hurt is that, if these people knew me as much as I had hoped, they would know me well enough to know that I have been asking God that very question for the past 13 years. Of course I had spoken to God about it. But I never felt I got a clear answer. Nothing that said, "Kelly you are meant to write a blog and make people think deeply." So I turned to my dear friends and family hoping that they could see in me my talents and help me to figure out what I wanted to be when "I grow up".  I have been my whole life looking for approval. Looking for someone to tell me that I am good enough. And to be encouraged in a direction that I felt God would be behind me. Through therapy I have come to learn that I need to be good enough for me. Gosh I wish I could say I am working on that in a way that is making real progress. I am not sure I will ever feel good enough. I think I am all too aware of my many flaws. Which is why for me the book, "Grace not Perfection" has become a very special book to me. I am learning to give myself Grace. But I am here to tell you that the road to getting that down pat is a long one for me. Its not easy, and it does not come naturally.
       There are a few things I feel I do well. I feel I think deeply very well. lol. I feel I love people well. I love deeply. I search for genuine relationships and other people who think as deeply as I do. I clean well! I know how to serve others. I know how to love my children. I am a great gift giver. I am a hard worker, and I love to garden, and to be creative.
     I feel it is also important to share something personal that also added to the perfect storm. I have been on anti depressants off and on for the past 13 years. Well about three months ago I took an amazing genetics test. This genetic testing is to help people find out what anti depressants your body metabolizes the best thus giving you the best chance of finding the right mixture. Because for some, their bodies do not make what they need to handle all of life's struggles. It isn't something that is wrong with our hearts. It is something you have to treat like you would a broken arm. It has to have a medicine. Thank God for giving us something to help it. I'll tell you that without medication I may not be here writing this tonight. Anyway the genetic testing ended up being an answer to many prayers. It just didn't seem I could find the right medicine. And to anyone that doesn't understand depression, it hurts so much, so deeply that functioning is sometimes near impossible, and it takes medicine weeks to get into your system to start impacting changes to how you feel. And sometimes it can hurt you worse then you thought you were hurting. So its really stressful and hard to find the right dose, of the right medicine, that is just right for your height, weight, and genetics. Which is why this testing should be given to everyone that wants it. I am in a very small percentage of people who this test works soooo well for. Had I not taken the test I would have had a 5% chance of ever finding the right medication!!! My body doesn't metabolize all but 3 of the 20 some medicines on the market. And even then only one would work the best. In the hopes that this would be the results I started to wean off my meds three months ago. It would take a total of 2 and half months to get off of it. Guess when my last dose was?? It was a week after quarantine happened. I wanted to give my body a fighting chance to see if I could do it on my own. Every person who takes life time meds I think questions this and some wish they could cut the med chord but it can be deadly if done so. Because I was home and under the watchful eye of my doctor who has been with me for the past 8 years of depression, I thought I would see how I do. Especially knowing my body never liked any of the meds I had been on these past 13 years. Can you believe I had never tried any of the 3!! So I thought, well if they weren't working their best, then maybe I can go without. I am not naive to think I will never have to go on meds again, but I have been deciphering myself out in terms of, what is the Kelly coming off meds, the Kelly not on Meds, and how do I deal with these emotions that the meds were masking? After writing this post tonight I now realize why I went on meds 13 years ago. It happened because I didn't have a path after I got married. I fell into depression that has stayed with me off and on all these years. I hope this doesn't let anyone think that I haven't had joy in the past 13 years because that certainly isn't true. With each child that I have born I have had such immense joy. Which is part of why not being able to have more children now hurts so much. My children give me the greatest joy. The man I married is truly the best person I know. I have had many happy moments dancing in parking lots with him, laughing with my family and so many other happy moments. But when I had been taught that I had some great purpose, and that it wasn't evident to me that being a mother was that great purpose, these past 13 years I have been looking for something bigger than that. And the reason I haven't found it is because it doesn't exist. What if the great purpose to my life is to love my earthly brothers and sisters fiercely. Maybe the love I have to share will be the only true love they ever experience. What if the service I render in a parking lot of a store will make a difference in someone's life? 
      So where am I now all of these weeks later in quarantine? Well thanks to Survey Monkey, people closest to me could see that I was searching for something. It worried them. And they just wanted me to be happy. What is most important to me is that you know that through all of this I haven't been unhappy. I have just been searching. I have been trying to find the peace I so long for. So COVID-19 thank you. I know that for many this virus has been so devastating. But for me it has saved me. Going off Meds, COVID-19, working full time, all of it has been such a blessing. Even in blessings there can be heart ache. And I have had it. After all I have been searching for answers for 13 years, and it all came to a head now.
        I am working on securing our family financially in personal ways. And I am working towards opening a Flower Truck next year!

        So now its just working towards that dream, and it makes me smile and giddy and happy. And I am so thankful to my sister who helped me to identify something that checks off so many boxes. Who doesn't love to be given flowers right? Who doesn't love to be served by planting flowers right? Who doesn't love to be shown love? So I hope you will all love on me and my dream as I work to make it a reality for my family. I know this is what God wants for me. And I am running towards it as realistically, financially responsibly, and emotionally  as possible as I can. So there you go... Now you know where my heart and my mind has been. Its no longer a secret.
     And to end the post I feel it only appropriate to give you a song! What are the chances it came on right as I finished this.... "I am Yours" by Lauren Daigle. God is good. He gave this song to me as my rally cry at the end of this post! So so grateful!!!

I see Your fingerprints
The work of Your hands
It's all in Your hands
I see the evidence
Leaving nothing to chance
The world's in Your hands

So I rest in Your promises
Now I am sure of this
I'm Yours

Let the waters rise
I will stand as the oceans roar
Let the earth shake beneath me
Let the mountains fall
You are God over the storm
And I am Yours

I hear the voice of love
Calling me home
To where I belong
It cripples every fear
And the ones who will kneel
Will walk away healed

So I rest in Your promises
Now I am sure of this
I'm Yours
No power is strong enough
To separate me from Your love
I'm Yours...

So let the waters rise
I will stand as the oceans roar
Let the earth shake beneath me
Let the mountains fall
You are God over the storm
And I am Yours

Even the thunder and the wind obey
At the command of my Father, Father
I set my feet upon Your mighty name
So let the rain fall harder, harder

So take my everything, my flesh and blood
I'll lay me down on the altar, altar
I am forever covered in Your love
So let the rain fall

So let the waters rise
I will stand as the oceans roar
Let the earth shake beneath me
Let the mountains fall
You are God over the storm
And I am Yours

Let the waters rise
I will stand as the oceans roar
Let the earth shake beneath me
Let the mountains fall
You are God over the storm
And I am Yours

You are God over the storm
And I am Yours

Contemplative Kelly signing on

I didn't want to go to sleep before I had a chance to write down everything in my heart and head. I can't even really remember when it started but for a while now I have stopped listening to anything except Christian music and instrumental music. The day I decided to stop was when I was driving to work one day, and I was listening to a popular radio station and the segment of the show came on where it was entitled, "War of the Roses" where they essentially try and catch people who are cheating on their significant others. I remember having my spirit pricked with a thought that was, "What are you listening to?" I quickly turned it off and sat in my car trying to answer that question. I knew the question had come from God, and there I was ashamed of my response. That day I decided I would rather not listen to anything then to sit there and offend my spirit. Since that day I have changed my car ride. On the way to work I have this routine, I get in, open my protein drink, start my car, and get on the rode. Its not but a few short minutes later sitting in silence that I think of turning on my favorite radio station. I reach my finger up to turn it on, when that still small voice says to me, "Pray." So I quickly drop my hand, and begin my prayer often the same way after addressing him as "Heavenly Father". I ask for forgiveness for not thinking to pray first. And then I go about telling him about my life, my worries, giving thanks for the blessings and joys in my day, and I never forget to thank him for helping me to remember to pray. After closing my prayer, I wait several minutes. I feel it is too sacred to ruin it with a noise. I want God to know how much those few minutes were that I got to spend in prayer with him. After a while, I see the sunrise. And my heart is full of awe and truly just gratitude. Its usually at this point that I turn on my favorite stations 91.9 fm. A Christian station. I now fill my mornings listening to segments "Drive Thru Difference" or "Beat the toaster" or "Bible or Not". I get to work happy and full of God. On my way home I don't listen to anything. Its my time to unwind and think about everything I want or need to think about before entering my home of responsibilities of kids, wife and homemaker. This hour long drive home is the time I use to call people I have on my mind. I try and think of someone who I could call and see how they are. What service I might be able to render. Sometimes I hope to talk to my sister, but it ends up being her busiest part of the day with kids from school, and it right in the middle of homework time, and pre dinner. So sometimes I don't bother her. Instead I listen for promptings from the Holy Ghost telling me who I might be able to call. I love this hour. Sometimes I have not always headed a prompting of calling someone. I can remember one such day where I was driving past a street where a member of my congregation lived. I didn't socialize with her much, nor had I ever called her. But this day, she came into my thoughts not only on my way to work, but on my way home. But for two days I ignored it. I kept telling myself that surely it was just the street that made me think of her. But all these weeks later it still haunts me. I have since written her about it, and she has tried to comfort me telling me she is okay. But I hate that I let something as dumb as the fact I had never called her before stop me from even calling her the first time. I have since tried to make sure that I never have to feel those feelings of regret during that hour each day. 

         So why did I feel like I had to stay up and write this blog post? Well because I watched a movie tonight with my family that made me cry for so many reasons. Please don't let that dissuade you from watching it. It is probably one of the best films I've ever seen. It is called, "I still Believe". Based on the true story of a Christian artist named Jeremy Camp and how he came to share the story of his first wife Melissa Camp, who died just 6 months after they were married. Oh man there were so many moments I didn't think the tears would stop. I got the warm tingly feelings while listening to within the first 16 minutes christian song after christian song that spoke about Jesus Christ. My favorite is that the first tears I had dropped as Jeremy Camp and Melissa are on their first date, and they are in a gallery of some kind and it turns into a planetarium and Melissa  starts to talk about stars. She points to a little blob of light and begins to talk about this Galaxy. And how our Sun is just one star in the Milky Way. And how there are 300 billion stars in the Milky Way. But that in that little blob of light it has 1 trillion of stars in it.  And she describes it as the "Definition of Wonder". And how, "God is so infinitely vast. And this is His painting. We paint with brushes and he paints with a billion stars and galaxies. And He knows my name. The God of a trillion stars knows my name and He has a destiny just for me. And I am going to figure it out someday. So that is how I see the world and myself in it. I am just one star in an infinite galaxy."  Because as soon as she said that, "He knows my name. The God of a trillion stars knows my name and he has a destiny just for me." 

Ahhh why couldn't I say those words out loud first? Because I know that. I've known for a long time. Since I was 10 years old. That God knows my name. And that even though I was one out of trillions, that He has a destiny just for me, and that someday I would figure it out. For years I have been just trying to survive life. And it was in this survival stage that I let those words leave my everyday purpose. I remember when I was 10 and thinking that I was special. That I was going to do something that no one else could. That I was going to be someone who could do something for God on Earth that no one else could. College, jobs, thirteen years of marriage, three kids, several cars, several thousands of dollars, a couple cats, a couple homes, several friends later, I felt like that young 10 year old didn't know what she was talking about. But tonight I couldn't go to bed without saying that my 10 year old self knew better than my wise 35 year old self does at times. 

        There may not be anyone who has made it this far in my post to read this, but I feel like I owe it to myself and God to find my purpose. Because God didn't make me or you by accident. He was so purposeful in our creations. I've sat here thinking of my purpose and other's purposes in my life. God gave my sister this amazing ability to put into words things that I so badly wish I could, but have never found the way to put words to thoughts. This is how I feel about Christian music and why it means so much to me. They have been given this gift to put words and music to the most sacred, and personal feelings that I have about God.  I guess my little blog post is a hope that something I say here, will mean the same to someone else the same way the following songs mean something to me: "Anchor" sung by Skillet, "Scars" by I am They, "Forever" sung by Nathan Pacheco, "Broken and Beautiful" sung by Calee Reed, "What Love is This" sung by Kari Jobe,  "You're Not Alone" sung by Meredith Andrews,  "You're Gonna Be Okay" by Brian & Jenn Johnson, "Thy Will" by Hillary Scott & the Scott Family, "Beautifully Broken" by Plumb, "You are the Reason", by Calum Scott, "I Shall Not Want" by Audrey Assad, "Sad Song" by We The Kings, "

"Spirit Of The Living God" by Audrey Assad, "Never stop- Wedding Version" by Safetysuit, 

"Porcelain Heart" by Barlow Girl... and so many more. These are just a few that spoke to my soul, my spirit. 

        I refer to my spirit as such because I once heard something along the lines of God speaks spirit to spirit because we were first spiritual beings and human beings second. And that we can't forget how God first spoke to us. This made so much sense to me. And again through music and words of others it speaks to the feelings I have in my heart. 

I love these quotes from the movie "I Still Believe":  

* "I've learned that suffering doesn't destory faith. It refines it." 

* "My life is not full in spite of the disappointments. It is full because of them."

* "Ancient stories still relevant and true. (Talking about bible stories.) In one story God grants healing. Yet to another His call is to suffer and even die. They both have value. Because each is a chapter in a bigger story. Each is the stroke of a brush on His beautiful canvas. Each is the light of one star helping to form a galaxy."

* "If just one person's life is changed by her story. Just one. It would have been worth it." 

* "I was trapped in apathy and disappointment...I thought the world was full of hypocrites and i was the worst of them. And I wanted to know that God was real somewhere in the Universe. Like to a person. An actual person in a meaningful way. Your story, it rescued me. I am the one. I am the one whose life was changed [by her story]." 

I think that is the one that I want to emulate the most. I want to be the one who helped change someone's life, like so many have helped change mine. I think I must have said what God wanted me to say because I for once am tired and I didn't have to take medicine to feel it. Please believe there is a God. And believe that He knows you. 

xoxo- Kelly 

Sitting up

I wanted to write again on my blog when I felt like I was in a good head space. I don't really like to write when I am depressed. Who would want to read a sad blog post am I right?!
      Well today I received news that the job I really wanted I didn't get. Most likely in another two months or so the same company will be hiring again, and this time it will be remote, and they are still interested in me. They just needed someone local to fill this position. However this is not how I translated things in my head earlier when I found out. The translation about 4 hours ago was that "I am so worthless. You just proved it to yourself again because you didn't get the job. No one will want you. You are only as good as the job you have right now. You aren't worth any more than what you have."  Well that was destructive language to myself and my self worth. I didn't get out of the self sabatoge on my own. I called my husband, and told him I was feeling tired. He knew what that meant. He knew I was depressed. So he talked me through why I was tired. And then he told me to go outside and sit on the swing and watch our chickens. At first I told him I was afraid I was going to be cold going outside. He laughed knowing it was in the 80's and of course I'd feel cold. But I sat up. He asked me if I had gotten up, and I told him I was sitting. He then encouraged me to push through it, and go outside. So I grabbed a sweater, and put on cozy pants and comfy boat shoes, and walked outside. With no real purpose other than I was hoping and praying that the fresh air would be healing to my soul.
       I picked up sticks that had fallen from our trees from last nights big storm. I then collected eggs. And checked the mail, walked our dog, and sat on the porch talking to Lylia about things she and I were thinking about. After a little bit I went and got my lap top and started to apply for jobs. I wanted to write tonight not because I was depressed, but because I wanted to remember what it feels like to sit up.
        I was speaking to my therapist last night about friendships. She asked me if I had a best friend that I could tell everything to. I had a few people come to mind that I felt I could tell different parts of my life to. But no one that I felt filled that void of when she described a friend that gave as much as I did. So I decided to take a poll on fb. I wanted to see how people find friends who give as much as they receive. I didn't find anything that resonated with me from the people who had a best friend like the above mentioned, but rather I got something from the people that didn't have it. I realized I had friends in my circle that could use a friend like me. A friend who can give, and love and serve, and maybe they too would do the same.
      I wanted to write a follow-up question survey and ask why it is that none of these women I am friends with FB could say I was their best friend. But felt that would do no good. You see I don't want to guilt anyone into friendship, and I don't want people to always see how fragile I am. I don't want those pitty friendships. I want the most authentic loving friendship that can be found. The type where you pick up days weeks or months later, and it feels like you just saw one another. The person that can hear about your crappy day and somehow is able to make you feel good after words. The person that lets you love them and serve them, and gives you a hug afterwords. I want a friend who can be raw and deep. My therapist told me that when I begin to have more self worth that I will naturally attract people to want to be my friend. It made me feel sad and a little hopeless thinking that I wasn't attracting anyone although I thought I had been putting myself out there for it.
      Maybe when Justin is home in the evenings he will be my somebody that fills this void I feel. We see each other so little and speak to each other so little that I can't rely on him to be that support system. How sad, that I am married to my best friend, and I don't even get to enjoy that part of our marriage. I had called him while he was at work... I laid in bed for an hour before he saw my missed call and called back. I love that he was able to get me to sit up so I could be in the head space I am right now.
     I realize how imperfect I am. I realize how much I need to learn and grow. I especially see how little self worth I have. And I know that I am uncomfortably open with my struggles and my family struggles. Some might consider that a human flaw. But that human flaw is what I look for in others. I want more than anything to have the friendships where you can tell me your good, your bad, and your weird. But I want it authentically. Hopefully this post will cause you to stop and ponder on your own friendships and what it is that you bring to them, and what they bring to you. My therapist suggests I end the relationships that don't serve both purposes. I'm not sure I am willing to be that open about who doesn't fill that spot by deleting people from my social media accounts. Maybe that will be my homework next week.
      I've been praying for weeks, for things to work out with Justin switching to day shift and me working remotely, or at least making enough to pay for child care. I really had hope it would happen quickly. But deep down, I don't think I had hope enough. Because todays news showed me that I needed more hope. More reasons to sit up.
      I made a list a few weeks back of things that make me happy. And I decided I would be intentional with my time and do one each day or every few days. I fell out of habit. But when I was doing it, hah! I was actually happy. Not content like I feel I always am, but genuinely happy. So after I close this post, I plan to read a book I've had for a while.
      I don't know if that friend void will ever be filled in my heart. But I still want to fill that void in someone elses. So until next time folks, good night. And you are loved!

Picking up the pieces

Guess since I am writing a post it must mean that I am in a contemplative mood. I've actually wanted to make time to be in this head space for a few weeks. Tonight I took my therapists advice and tried to do something for myself that I thought would bring joy. I started to work on my old finished projects blog. I thought I would enjoy updating it with all of the things we have accomplished these past four years in this home. But as I struggled just to find the right layout, I felt anxiety creep in, and before I knew it, I was deleting old posts ashamed of what I had once thought were good projects. Oh there were some terribly ugly painted frames, mirrors and yes even a coat rack! 

       Today as I was adjusting the blog I was stuck on the little blurb you write for what your blog represents. Why am I doing it, what purpose does it really serve? I think it is so that I have one place I can go and feel like my life has some sort of purpose. For over the past year or so I have been on this journey of discovery. Trying to discover who I am. What makes me unique, worth loving, worth being created. I started with what I knew about myself and went to confirm each item on my list. I knew I was a hard worker. So I looked for myself at work. Putting my all into each day, going above and beyond, doing all that I could and yet when I left the office each afternoon I felt empty. So I wasn't at work. So then I looked at my home. I started with the external. How does my lawn look, are the garden beds weeded, how about just the right set up, toys picked up? Guess what I didn't find. Me. Then I walked into my home. I must be here I thought. I looked around a kitchen full of nik naks, food, appliances, and dirty counters. Nope I definitely wasn't in the kitchen. I went to each room, and in each room I realized the surroundings made me feel more and more worthless. All I could see was stuff. Stuff that doesn't matter, stuff that won't go with me to the next life. Then I saw three perfect little people. Surely I could be found in them. And I realized that I had finally found myself. 

        My therapist asked me to close my eyes and to picture what happiness would look like if I could picture it. As I closed my eyes as I do now the faces of my children, my husband all smiling and laughing were right in front of me. Tears began to flow. She then asked, why are you crying? I said because it is so close I can almost taste it. She said what about my family makes happiness? I cried harder as I realized that my 10 year old self was standing in front of me. The reason my family was in front of my eyes was because this little family of 5, could be the family I wanted to make. The family I always wished I had. A mother, father, and children who love each other. And all it was, was us snuggled on a couch snuggling and laughing. She then said, "Why can't you have it then Kelly? Why is it so close you can taste it? And yet you don't?" I'll get back to the answer in a sec. But first another journey needs to be explained. 

        For months I have been seeing a therapist to help me overcome some damaged parts of my soul. I first started to see her thinking she could help me overcome my relationship with food. Little did I know that a relationship with food can be so deeply rooted in so many different facets of life. Things that were affecting my marriage, my external family, my weight, and my spirit. Self worth has been the topic each week for months. I can't seem to grasp that I am worth something to someone. She has been giving me exercises to help me to recognize that I have worth. I don't believe yet, but I still complete the tasks, hoping that this broken vessel can be healed. First I was asked to write a list of people I admired. I wrote a long list. I realized my list was actually a list of jealousy. I was so ashamed. She asked me, "On that list do you really want those things?" The answer was no. She then asked "Why did you write it then?" Dang she is good... "They are happy, and I am jealous." They have what I don't seem to have. Then I was asked to write down my dreams without thinking of anyone else but myself. The list consisted of travel, careers, hobbies, talents desired, etc. Then I was asked to write what brings me happiness. That list was a list of dumb things like crocheting, painting, blog writing, puzzles, reading books, reading the scriptures, serving others. My homework was to make time for happiness. So Justin and I for a date painted two pictures together. It was everything and more than I could have hoped for. Are the pictures amazing? Nope lol. I like one of them, the other I think needs the masters touch. Then another night we started a family puzzle. 1000 pieces of a picture of Noah building the arc. Why 1000 pieces for my first puzzle happiness moment??? lol. Not the best idea. Because after days of working on it, obsessing over just getting it done, I found that I didn't find joy in it, but stress. lol. And to make it even worse it was missing one piece, and it was right in the middle. Definitely not happiness lol. But each day or every other day I am trying to do one of the items on my list. 

        With the exercises of writing so many lists of how I was feeling, or imagining, I began to make up lists of my own. I began to self reflect even more. The next list was the list that finally came to answer where am I, where is my happiness? The list was entitled "What I want from my life" the first item was peace. I want peace from anxiety, from worldly worries, from thinking. I just want quiet peace. I wanted to read my scriptures more, Justin at home with us in the evening, more family time, happy healthy kids which included them having self worth, good friends, talents/hobbies and being in good schools. I wrote financially in a better place, where I wasn't having to check our budget all the time to see if we could afford to do something. More life/work balance. A job that I don't hate. To live in a hallmark town. This list was so different then my first list of my dreams. This was a list filled with the things that really mattered to me. It was the crux of it all. I wanted the family I never had. 

         So guess what I did next. No I didn't make another list, I actually made each of my family members write their list of what they wanted from life. These are gold to me. Megs list: family time, picnics, therapy, gymnastics, doing things together. Lylia's list: family time, friends, therapy, own room. Ethan: Rex in his room each night (our little dog) family time, bike time with daddy, lego time. We sat and spoke about what we all wrote that was in common. We all felt we were missing something. We were missing family. 

         Justin has either been in school, interning, odd jobs, night shift our whole marriage. We have never been on the same schedule. And I realized this was what we all needed. We needed our Justin to be with us at night. To be the priesthood holder in our home. To lead in scripture study, family prayer, family time. 

         So we have started the process of making some huge decisions. We had always been planning that when Ethan was in school full time starting at the end of 2020, that Justin would switch shifts and we could all be together at night. But my therapist has helped me to uncover wounds that needed to be cleaned and to be allowed to be healed. Our family needs normal. And normal in our minds, is something we have never had. Time together each night except for when we take a vacation. So in order to make this happen, Justin needs a day time job. And if we live in Maryland, so we can afford the childcare he and I both need to make more money. 

            A few weeks ago I was contacted my a head hunter who I had worked with previously to interview with a company in New Jersey. A company that I would really love to work for. They were still very interested in me, and wanted to interview me again. It fell in my lap. The headhunter said he needed to know my base salary requirements. I literally sat outside on my patio and had a "Dr. Marshall" moment, which was me talking to myself asking myself why I didn't feel like I was worth more money. And then pep talks about how I am worth more. 

           All of these different lists, experiences, thoughts, conversations, messes were all going on at the same time. Little did I realize that I could see a puzzle coming together. And the master was the one that had all of the pieces. Going for a walk and thinking about what it meant to accept a job in NJ meant. Friends that we would be leaving, our support system, our home, our therapists, gymnastics, our safety net. The excitement of projects diminished immediately. I realized I didn't have the desire anymore. I wanted to spend all of my time figuring out how I could make what we wanted a reality. We fasted, we have prayed, and we have been working towards it. I won't accept the job located in NJ. But it is possible that they will hire me for a remote position. (Something I never thought possible). And we are applying for jobs in North Carolina. We have family down there that could be a great support system for this transition in our lives. We still have a year and a few months before Ethan is in school full time, and we could use some help with childcare. And we could be a support for this family member too. Provide love in ways we can't from Maryland. 

           Has the puzzle been finished? No. Will it turn out how I imagine it will? No, I think God has something better planned. Walking into the unknown is not easy. Why would we want to walk away from so many good things in our life? Are we turning away from blessings God gave us? Could we be making a huge mistake? These are all things we have thought about. But I know that God doesn't just bless us once, and then never again. Has every move we have had been easy and a clear one? No, not generally. So I have had this image in my mind as I pray and ask for direction. It is of Christ walking on water, with the storms raging all around him. His apostles on a boat not far off, and He has his hand out stretched to the apostle who wants to try to walk on water too. So the apostle steps into the unknown, his eyes fixed on Christ. He is walking on water. And then he notices the storm and begins to worry and begins to sink. He stopped looking at Christ, and he began to sink into the unknown. 

           I know that when we include God in our decisions, and we do everything we can, God does make up the difference. He gives us so much grace. Each day I give thanks for the grace he has given to me. He has sustained me these many years. He has comforted me. He has protected our home. He has protected our travels to and from work. He has blessed our children. He has given me friends that I could never live without. God has given us a yard that in the evening is a haven. It is so peaceful. He is in every blade of grass. He is in every tear, every joy, and every unknown. 

       So I don't know what the near future holds for us, but we hope it will be in North Carolina, with Justin and I working the same hours, and being home together, with a support system, therapists, gymnastics, friends to love, and eventually a home of our own again. I'm excited to see what God has in store. 

       My therapist has had to remind me on more than one occasion, don't forget who created you. Does he make mistakes? No he doesn't. So someday not only will I have the family I never had, but I will also have self worth. And all the in between are lessons to add to my book of life. 

      xoxo, Kelly 

The anonymous letter that almost ruined my day...

        I got home from what was a long but good day. Working til the minute chimed 3 pm to quickly be off to meet Justin. I asked E if daddy had checked the mail and he said he didn't think so. I went and checked the mail. Just junk. Then I came inside and found that Justin had gotten mail also. And sat a letter opened with our names on it. It was a letter addressed to us, and from us, and typed. I really hope that person reads this. The letter wrote:

Dear Kelly & Justin,
   I've been debating writing this letter but it kept nagging at me. About a month ago I had put my kids to bed, the house was quiet and so I got on facebook. I was looking at some of your pictures of your kids and stumbled upon your blog. I read some of it but what really concerned me was your sharing information about your little girl, her temper and her desire to hurt her brother. These are not things you should share on a blog. Perhaps in a journal, privately. Putting info out there can prove to be hurtful to your little girl. I personally would not feel comfortable letting my kids play with her. I know I am not alone feeling like this. Some of the other moms feel this way, too. What kind of damage will be done to your little girl if no one is allowed to be her friend? It is hard to recover from something like this.

Thing about writing your feelings in a journal. Especially when you are talking about other people.

Sincerely,
A friend

First off, FRIEND, why don't you stop hiding behind typed letters, signing friend, and not even putting your address and actually talk to me?  I teach my children to love, not to discriminate. I am glad you are keeping your children away from mine, because if this hate is what is being taught to your children then shame on you. I wouldn't want my precious babies to be any where any of it.
        I share these experiences so that others will not feel alone. For too long people have been silenced in fear of these anonymous letters from FRIENDEMIES. If you are really trying to do good, then maybe you should talk to me. But don't you ever tell me that my child is not worth loving! Nor that she deserves less love because of her difficulties, and that people are not allowing their kids to play with her.  I have never been more disgusted then I am by your letter today.
        I share these experiences because silence is part of the problem.. I am glad you wrote me this letter so that I can address what is bothering you so much. Could I keep this in a journal and keep it private. Yes I could. But as a family we talk about these things openly. We don't want there to be a stigma around it, we want all of our kids to know that depression is real, and how to combat it. We teach our children to read the scriptures, to pray, to talk to us when things are bothering them, we teach them about how God created medicine to help people like me.
        I have had a desire to go and live in the middle of no where and live off the land. I ask Justin if this is bad to desire this. I feel that it is because I can't do good for others, or share the joy of the gospel in the middle of now where. But at the same time, I truly feel that as a society we push ourselves to have depression and anxiety. Adam and Eve were put into the world for breaking a law, and were commanded to til the earth, and multiply and replenish the earth, and to teach their children about God and his promises. They had troublesome children also. Cain wasn't good all the time. I mean he was the first to murder. Adam and Eve one generation and they had to deal with a son who committed a great sin. They had to live to survive, and to support their children so they also could live to survive and have a place to be tested and tried. Our day in time, we don't just have a community that we are connected with. We have so much more to worry about. We put on our plates: perfect church attendance, the perfect family, the perfect home, the perfect car, the perfect prestigious job, going to a great college, great grades, being the best at our calling, volunteering, temple work, going to the temple, eating healthy, working full time, paying bills, pets, social media, school, bosses, co- workers, church members and so much more. By nature I don't believe God intended us to be so caught up in more than just surviving and learning and teaching about him. That had to change because we multiplied and replenished the earth. But with intellect people think that we have to have more and do more to mean something. I truly wish I could go and live off the land and worship God all my days. But instead he put me in my community, in my job, in my family, in my world, because he needs me. But he also knew that this sort of lifestyle is more than our bodies/spirits can understand right now. So He gave us medicine. So that we can still function while we work to serve him.
         I called a friend, she helped me to feel loved. She helped me to know that my babies are loved. She told me to ignore the letter, to throw it away, not to think of it any longer. But I wouldn't be me without addressing it. So to whomever wrote this letter I forgive you. It is not easy. But I do. I forgive you for making me cry so hard tonight I have the worst headache. I forgive you for making me feel like there were a group of women speaking about me behind my back. I forgive you for making me fear for my babies. I forgive you for hurting my heart and breaking trust.
       I know not everyone is as open as I am. I get it. I acknowledge it. But God made me this way for a reason. And I am not going to be ashamed of who I am. I am an open book for the most part. I don't think this person will ever understand why I am so open. But maybe someday you will have a trial, that you wish you could talk to someone about. And hopefully you will find that person because they were brave enough to be open about their difficulties.
      There is no reason we should not be there to love and serve one another in our difficult times. God placed us in small family units in order for us to understand the greater family unit. We are all of God's children. Not one is less than the other. I am trying to remember that as I re-read your letter. I won't ask for your forgiveness because only God can be my judge and I think he knows the intent of my heart when I share these things.
     So with that I will say, have a good night.