Contemplative Kelly signing on

I didn't want to go to sleep before I had a chance to write down everything in my heart and head. I can't even really remember when it started but for a while now I have stopped listening to anything except Christian music and instrumental music. The day I decided to stop was when I was driving to work one day, and I was listening to a popular radio station and the segment of the show came on where it was entitled, "War of the Roses" where they essentially try and catch people who are cheating on their significant others. I remember having my spirit pricked with a thought that was, "What are you listening to?" I quickly turned it off and sat in my car trying to answer that question. I knew the question had come from God, and there I was ashamed of my response. That day I decided I would rather not listen to anything then to sit there and offend my spirit. Since that day I have changed my car ride. On the way to work I have this routine, I get in, open my protein drink, start my car, and get on the rode. Its not but a few short minutes later sitting in silence that I think of turning on my favorite radio station. I reach my finger up to turn it on, when that still small voice says to me, "Pray." So I quickly drop my hand, and begin my prayer often the same way after addressing him as "Heavenly Father". I ask for forgiveness for not thinking to pray first. And then I go about telling him about my life, my worries, giving thanks for the blessings and joys in my day, and I never forget to thank him for helping me to remember to pray. After closing my prayer, I wait several minutes. I feel it is too sacred to ruin it with a noise. I want God to know how much those few minutes were that I got to spend in prayer with him. After a while, I see the sunrise. And my heart is full of awe and truly just gratitude. Its usually at this point that I turn on my favorite stations 91.9 fm. A Christian station. I now fill my mornings listening to segments "Drive Thru Difference" or "Beat the toaster" or "Bible or Not". I get to work happy and full of God. On my way home I don't listen to anything. Its my time to unwind and think about everything I want or need to think about before entering my home of responsibilities of kids, wife and homemaker. This hour long drive home is the time I use to call people I have on my mind. I try and think of someone who I could call and see how they are. What service I might be able to render. Sometimes I hope to talk to my sister, but it ends up being her busiest part of the day with kids from school, and it right in the middle of homework time, and pre dinner. So sometimes I don't bother her. Instead I listen for promptings from the Holy Ghost telling me who I might be able to call. I love this hour. Sometimes I have not always headed a prompting of calling someone. I can remember one such day where I was driving past a street where a member of my congregation lived. I didn't socialize with her much, nor had I ever called her. But this day, she came into my thoughts not only on my way to work, but on my way home. But for two days I ignored it. I kept telling myself that surely it was just the street that made me think of her. But all these weeks later it still haunts me. I have since written her about it, and she has tried to comfort me telling me she is okay. But I hate that I let something as dumb as the fact I had never called her before stop me from even calling her the first time. I have since tried to make sure that I never have to feel those feelings of regret during that hour each day. 

         So why did I feel like I had to stay up and write this blog post? Well because I watched a movie tonight with my family that made me cry for so many reasons. Please don't let that dissuade you from watching it. It is probably one of the best films I've ever seen. It is called, "I still Believe". Based on the true story of a Christian artist named Jeremy Camp and how he came to share the story of his first wife Melissa Camp, who died just 6 months after they were married. Oh man there were so many moments I didn't think the tears would stop. I got the warm tingly feelings while listening to within the first 16 minutes christian song after christian song that spoke about Jesus Christ. My favorite is that the first tears I had dropped as Jeremy Camp and Melissa are on their first date, and they are in a gallery of some kind and it turns into a planetarium and Melissa  starts to talk about stars. She points to a little blob of light and begins to talk about this Galaxy. And how our Sun is just one star in the Milky Way. And how there are 300 billion stars in the Milky Way. But that in that little blob of light it has 1 trillion of stars in it.  And she describes it as the "Definition of Wonder". And how, "God is so infinitely vast. And this is His painting. We paint with brushes and he paints with a billion stars and galaxies. And He knows my name. The God of a trillion stars knows my name and He has a destiny just for me. And I am going to figure it out someday. So that is how I see the world and myself in it. I am just one star in an infinite galaxy."  Because as soon as she said that, "He knows my name. The God of a trillion stars knows my name and he has a destiny just for me." 

Ahhh why couldn't I say those words out loud first? Because I know that. I've known for a long time. Since I was 10 years old. That God knows my name. And that even though I was one out of trillions, that He has a destiny just for me, and that someday I would figure it out. For years I have been just trying to survive life. And it was in this survival stage that I let those words leave my everyday purpose. I remember when I was 10 and thinking that I was special. That I was going to do something that no one else could. That I was going to be someone who could do something for God on Earth that no one else could. College, jobs, thirteen years of marriage, three kids, several cars, several thousands of dollars, a couple cats, a couple homes, several friends later, I felt like that young 10 year old didn't know what she was talking about. But tonight I couldn't go to bed without saying that my 10 year old self knew better than my wise 35 year old self does at times. 

        There may not be anyone who has made it this far in my post to read this, but I feel like I owe it to myself and God to find my purpose. Because God didn't make me or you by accident. He was so purposeful in our creations. I've sat here thinking of my purpose and other's purposes in my life. God gave my sister this amazing ability to put into words things that I so badly wish I could, but have never found the way to put words to thoughts. This is how I feel about Christian music and why it means so much to me. They have been given this gift to put words and music to the most sacred, and personal feelings that I have about God.  I guess my little blog post is a hope that something I say here, will mean the same to someone else the same way the following songs mean something to me: "Anchor" sung by Skillet, "Scars" by I am They, "Forever" sung by Nathan Pacheco, "Broken and Beautiful" sung by Calee Reed, "What Love is This" sung by Kari Jobe,  "You're Not Alone" sung by Meredith Andrews,  "You're Gonna Be Okay" by Brian & Jenn Johnson, "Thy Will" by Hillary Scott & the Scott Family, "Beautifully Broken" by Plumb, "You are the Reason", by Calum Scott, "I Shall Not Want" by Audrey Assad, "Sad Song" by We The Kings, "

"Spirit Of The Living God" by Audrey Assad, "Never stop- Wedding Version" by Safetysuit, 

"Porcelain Heart" by Barlow Girl... and so many more. These are just a few that spoke to my soul, my spirit. 

        I refer to my spirit as such because I once heard something along the lines of God speaks spirit to spirit because we were first spiritual beings and human beings second. And that we can't forget how God first spoke to us. This made so much sense to me. And again through music and words of others it speaks to the feelings I have in my heart. 

I love these quotes from the movie "I Still Believe":  

* "I've learned that suffering doesn't destory faith. It refines it." 

* "My life is not full in spite of the disappointments. It is full because of them."

* "Ancient stories still relevant and true. (Talking about bible stories.) In one story God grants healing. Yet to another His call is to suffer and even die. They both have value. Because each is a chapter in a bigger story. Each is the stroke of a brush on His beautiful canvas. Each is the light of one star helping to form a galaxy."

* "If just one person's life is changed by her story. Just one. It would have been worth it." 

* "I was trapped in apathy and disappointment...I thought the world was full of hypocrites and i was the worst of them. And I wanted to know that God was real somewhere in the Universe. Like to a person. An actual person in a meaningful way. Your story, it rescued me. I am the one. I am the one whose life was changed [by her story]." 

I think that is the one that I want to emulate the most. I want to be the one who helped change someone's life, like so many have helped change mine. I think I must have said what God wanted me to say because I for once am tired and I didn't have to take medicine to feel it. Please believe there is a God. And believe that He knows you. 

xoxo- Kelly