Sitting up

I wanted to write again on my blog when I felt like I was in a good head space. I don't really like to write when I am depressed. Who would want to read a sad blog post am I right?!
      Well today I received news that the job I really wanted I didn't get. Most likely in another two months or so the same company will be hiring again, and this time it will be remote, and they are still interested in me. They just needed someone local to fill this position. However this is not how I translated things in my head earlier when I found out. The translation about 4 hours ago was that "I am so worthless. You just proved it to yourself again because you didn't get the job. No one will want you. You are only as good as the job you have right now. You aren't worth any more than what you have."  Well that was destructive language to myself and my self worth. I didn't get out of the self sabatoge on my own. I called my husband, and told him I was feeling tired. He knew what that meant. He knew I was depressed. So he talked me through why I was tired. And then he told me to go outside and sit on the swing and watch our chickens. At first I told him I was afraid I was going to be cold going outside. He laughed knowing it was in the 80's and of course I'd feel cold. But I sat up. He asked me if I had gotten up, and I told him I was sitting. He then encouraged me to push through it, and go outside. So I grabbed a sweater, and put on cozy pants and comfy boat shoes, and walked outside. With no real purpose other than I was hoping and praying that the fresh air would be healing to my soul.
       I picked up sticks that had fallen from our trees from last nights big storm. I then collected eggs. And checked the mail, walked our dog, and sat on the porch talking to Lylia about things she and I were thinking about. After a little bit I went and got my lap top and started to apply for jobs. I wanted to write tonight not because I was depressed, but because I wanted to remember what it feels like to sit up.
        I was speaking to my therapist last night about friendships. She asked me if I had a best friend that I could tell everything to. I had a few people come to mind that I felt I could tell different parts of my life to. But no one that I felt filled that void of when she described a friend that gave as much as I did. So I decided to take a poll on fb. I wanted to see how people find friends who give as much as they receive. I didn't find anything that resonated with me from the people who had a best friend like the above mentioned, but rather I got something from the people that didn't have it. I realized I had friends in my circle that could use a friend like me. A friend who can give, and love and serve, and maybe they too would do the same.
      I wanted to write a follow-up question survey and ask why it is that none of these women I am friends with FB could say I was their best friend. But felt that would do no good. You see I don't want to guilt anyone into friendship, and I don't want people to always see how fragile I am. I don't want those pitty friendships. I want the most authentic loving friendship that can be found. The type where you pick up days weeks or months later, and it feels like you just saw one another. The person that can hear about your crappy day and somehow is able to make you feel good after words. The person that lets you love them and serve them, and gives you a hug afterwords. I want a friend who can be raw and deep. My therapist told me that when I begin to have more self worth that I will naturally attract people to want to be my friend. It made me feel sad and a little hopeless thinking that I wasn't attracting anyone although I thought I had been putting myself out there for it.
      Maybe when Justin is home in the evenings he will be my somebody that fills this void I feel. We see each other so little and speak to each other so little that I can't rely on him to be that support system. How sad, that I am married to my best friend, and I don't even get to enjoy that part of our marriage. I had called him while he was at work... I laid in bed for an hour before he saw my missed call and called back. I love that he was able to get me to sit up so I could be in the head space I am right now.
     I realize how imperfect I am. I realize how much I need to learn and grow. I especially see how little self worth I have. And I know that I am uncomfortably open with my struggles and my family struggles. Some might consider that a human flaw. But that human flaw is what I look for in others. I want more than anything to have the friendships where you can tell me your good, your bad, and your weird. But I want it authentically. Hopefully this post will cause you to stop and ponder on your own friendships and what it is that you bring to them, and what they bring to you. My therapist suggests I end the relationships that don't serve both purposes. I'm not sure I am willing to be that open about who doesn't fill that spot by deleting people from my social media accounts. Maybe that will be my homework next week.
      I've been praying for weeks, for things to work out with Justin switching to day shift and me working remotely, or at least making enough to pay for child care. I really had hope it would happen quickly. But deep down, I don't think I had hope enough. Because todays news showed me that I needed more hope. More reasons to sit up.
      I made a list a few weeks back of things that make me happy. And I decided I would be intentional with my time and do one each day or every few days. I fell out of habit. But when I was doing it, hah! I was actually happy. Not content like I feel I always am, but genuinely happy. So after I close this post, I plan to read a book I've had for a while.
      I don't know if that friend void will ever be filled in my heart. But I still want to fill that void in someone elses. So until next time folks, good night. And you are loved!