I wrote that first part some two or three weeks ago. What was once a weekend of thinking about my life it has turned into several weeks. The curse and blessing of COVID-19. I have so many thoughts about so many different things and its not going to come out eloquent at all I am sure.
Where do I start... When COVID-19 happened some 7 to 8 weeks ago (official quarantine) I went through a lot of ups and downs. From working from home being nice, to being stressful, to normal life. With balancing being a full time employee who was use to giving my full attention for 8 hours a day to it alone to then being thrust into being a full time mom during those same working hours. The balance between am I being a good mom, teacher and guide to my children, and full time best employee I could be. It was a lot. That and we had watched the movie "I Still Believe." It was the perfect storm one could say for thinking about life. I started to think about how much I wanted to give all of me (my attention and time and energy) to being 100% a mom all day long. Work began to hurt. I struggled to put myself in a closet to tell my kids I couldn't focus on them and to work for the job I had grown accustomed to. I told myself that I wasn't meant to work from home. When in reality I wasn't meant to work outside the home. I had through circumstance of finances been pushed into working full time outside of the home not of my free will but out of necessity. But now I was in the place I wanted to be all of the time, and it hurt to be there. It hurt to be home. To have the constant reminder of what I couldn't be, what I couldn't have all of the time. The pain became so much that for a good week I considered quitting my job. My evenings were filled with dread for the next day when I had to somehow work 8 hours doing something my heart no longer wanted to stay. That was around week 3 of COVID-19.
Well the perfect storm led to a survey monkey survey. I was trying to pulse people in my life to see how they viewed me. After watching the movie "I Still Believe" it really made me start to question why I was sent to earth at this time. You see in church we learn about dispensations, and how important things happen in certain dispensations that ultimately have a signficant purpose in God's plan. I wanted to feel like I had a purpose you know. The movie made me think of my relationship with God, but mostly it made me think of God's purpose in making me. Since I was in my teenage years I was told that I was among a special generation of God's children, and that we were sent to earth at this TIME for a reason. I'll tell you that although as a child that made me feel super special, it really confused me growing up also. I never felt like I found myself, because I felt I was waiting for a burning feeling in my body to tell me that this was indeed what I had been created for. A task so important that God made ME for it. This has stuck with my my whole life. I have wandered my life looking for this. What I hate is that, that burning feeling has never come. But I often thought it was because I wasn't doing any of the things on my list. You know the list of who you want to be when you grow up, where you want to live etc. During the years of high school where you start to imagine growing up, I couldn't picture anything more than who I wanted to marry. Nothing was more important to me then finding someone to love, who loved me back. Which is why it is no surprise that I didn't apply to college, I didn't have a list of things I was good at and should pursue. No all I wanted was to be loved. So I had to rely on God a lot when I was 18 and 19. I trusted that He knew me better than anyone, and He had planned on me being 19 with no clue of what I wanted to be when I grew up. And He did lead me. There is no question that God led me during that time. I got that strong burning feeling when it came to a few decisions in my life, but mostly about do I turn right or do I turn left. I would make a decision and God always confirmed whether it was right or wrong in some way. And He did that until I married Justin Tate in the Bountiful Temple. But then after that I realized I hadn't thought any further than that. I hadn't really thought about having kids, or a career, or what life looked like after I had found someone to love me as much as I loved them. And I guess I have felt it a bit quiet from Heaven in that regard. I don't get the confirmations I once use to get. Don't get me wrong, I still feel close to God, but He hasn't given me that burning feeling about ME. Does that make sense.
So I thought, well just like every time I have had to make a decision I just have to do it, and then God will confirm after. So I wanted a place to start. So I thought of Survey Monkey. The intent behind this was to post some of the things I thought I wanted to be "when I grew up". I posted it to my facebook and instagram pages. I had about 15 people fill it out. The questions ranged from what is our relationship to should I quit my job over the hopes of something better, to should I be a writer, a lyricist, business owner, stay at home mom etc. I just wanted to see how people see me. I was hoping that maybe the answer of Why was I created would be answered through the answers in the survey. Several of the responses told me how sad they felt for me that I was asking other earthly people why I was created, what my purpose is, what I should do. Several told me it was a question I should give to God. What hurt is that, if these people knew me as much as I had hoped, they would know me well enough to know that I have been asking God that very question for the past 13 years. Of course I had spoken to God about it. But I never felt I got a clear answer. Nothing that said, "Kelly you are meant to write a blog and make people think deeply." So I turned to my dear friends and family hoping that they could see in me my talents and help me to figure out what I wanted to be when "I grow up". I have been my whole life looking for approval. Looking for someone to tell me that I am good enough. And to be encouraged in a direction that I felt God would be behind me. Through therapy I have come to learn that I need to be good enough for me. Gosh I wish I could say I am working on that in a way that is making real progress. I am not sure I will ever feel good enough. I think I am all too aware of my many flaws. Which is why for me the book, "Grace not Perfection" has become a very special book to me. I am learning to give myself Grace. But I am here to tell you that the road to getting that down pat is a long one for me. Its not easy, and it does not come naturally.
There are a few things I feel I do well. I feel I think deeply very well. lol. I feel I love people well. I love deeply. I search for genuine relationships and other people who think as deeply as I do. I clean well! I know how to serve others. I know how to love my children. I am a great gift giver. I am a hard worker, and I love to garden, and to be creative.
I feel it is also important to share something personal that also added to the perfect storm. I have been on anti depressants off and on for the past 13 years. Well about three months ago I took an amazing genetics test. This genetic testing is to help people find out what anti depressants your body metabolizes the best thus giving you the best chance of finding the right mixture. Because for some, their bodies do not make what they need to handle all of life's struggles. It isn't something that is wrong with our hearts. It is something you have to treat like you would a broken arm. It has to have a medicine. Thank God for giving us something to help it. I'll tell you that without medication I may not be here writing this tonight. Anyway the genetic testing ended up being an answer to many prayers. It just didn't seem I could find the right medicine. And to anyone that doesn't understand depression, it hurts so much, so deeply that functioning is sometimes near impossible, and it takes medicine weeks to get into your system to start impacting changes to how you feel. And sometimes it can hurt you worse then you thought you were hurting. So its really stressful and hard to find the right dose, of the right medicine, that is just right for your height, weight, and genetics. Which is why this testing should be given to everyone that wants it. I am in a very small percentage of people who this test works soooo well for. Had I not taken the test I would have had a 5% chance of ever finding the right medication!!! My body doesn't metabolize all but 3 of the 20 some medicines on the market. And even then only one would work the best. In the hopes that this would be the results I started to wean off my meds three months ago. It would take a total of 2 and half months to get off of it. Guess when my last dose was?? It was a week after quarantine happened. I wanted to give my body a fighting chance to see if I could do it on my own. Every person who takes life time meds I think questions this and some wish they could cut the med chord but it can be deadly if done so. Because I was home and under the watchful eye of my doctor who has been with me for the past 8 years of depression, I thought I would see how I do. Especially knowing my body never liked any of the meds I had been on these past 13 years. Can you believe I had never tried any of the 3!! So I thought, well if they weren't working their best, then maybe I can go without. I am not naive to think I will never have to go on meds again, but I have been deciphering myself out in terms of, what is the Kelly coming off meds, the Kelly not on Meds, and how do I deal with these emotions that the meds were masking? After writing this post tonight I now realize why I went on meds 13 years ago. It happened because I didn't have a path after I got married. I fell into depression that has stayed with me off and on all these years. I hope this doesn't let anyone think that I haven't had joy in the past 13 years because that certainly isn't true. With each child that I have born I have had such immense joy. Which is part of why not being able to have more children now hurts so much. My children give me the greatest joy. The man I married is truly the best person I know. I have had many happy moments dancing in parking lots with him, laughing with my family and so many other happy moments. But when I had been taught that I had some great purpose, and that it wasn't evident to me that being a mother was that great purpose, these past 13 years I have been looking for something bigger than that. And the reason I haven't found it is because it doesn't exist. What if the great purpose to my life is to love my earthly brothers and sisters fiercely. Maybe the love I have to share will be the only true love they ever experience. What if the service I render in a parking lot of a store will make a difference in someone's life?
So where am I now all of these weeks later in quarantine? Well thanks to Survey Monkey, people closest to me could see that I was searching for something. It worried them. And they just wanted me to be happy. What is most important to me is that you know that through all of this I haven't been unhappy. I have just been searching. I have been trying to find the peace I so long for. So COVID-19 thank you. I know that for many this virus has been so devastating. But for me it has saved me. Going off Meds, COVID-19, working full time, all of it has been such a blessing. Even in blessings there can be heart ache. And I have had it. After all I have been searching for answers for 13 years, and it all came to a head now.
I am working on securing our family financially in personal ways. And I am working towards opening a Flower Truck next year!
And to end the post I feel it only appropriate to give you a song! What are the chances it came on right as I finished this.... "I am Yours" by Lauren Daigle. God is good. He gave this song to me as my rally cry at the end of this post! So so grateful!!!
I see Your fingerprints
The work of Your hands
It's all in Your hands
I see the evidence
Leaving nothing to chance
The world's in Your hands
So I rest in Your promises
Now I am sure of this
I'm Yours
Let the waters rise
I will stand as the oceans roar
Let the earth shake beneath me
Let the mountains fall
You are God over the storm
And I am Yours
I hear the voice of love
Calling me home
To where I belong
It cripples every fear
And the ones who will kneel
Will walk away healed
So I rest in Your promises
Now I am sure of this
I'm Yours
No power is strong enough
To separate me from Your love
I'm Yours...
So let the waters rise
I will stand as the oceans roar
Let the earth shake beneath me
Let the mountains fall
You are God over the storm
And I am Yours
Even the thunder and the wind obey
At the command of my Father, Father
I set my feet upon Your mighty name
So let the rain fall harder, harder
So take my everything, my flesh and blood
I'll lay me down on the altar, altar
I am forever covered in Your love
So let the rain fall
So let the waters rise
I will stand as the oceans roar
Let the earth shake beneath me
Let the mountains fall
You are God over the storm
And I am Yours
Let the waters rise
I will stand as the oceans roar
Let the earth shake beneath me
Let the mountains fall
You are God over the storm
And I am Yours
You are God over the storm
And I am Yours
The work of Your hands
It's all in Your hands
I see the evidence
Leaving nothing to chance
The world's in Your hands
So I rest in Your promises
Now I am sure of this
I'm Yours
Let the waters rise
I will stand as the oceans roar
Let the earth shake beneath me
Let the mountains fall
You are God over the storm
And I am Yours
I hear the voice of love
Calling me home
To where I belong
It cripples every fear
And the ones who will kneel
Will walk away healed
So I rest in Your promises
Now I am sure of this
I'm Yours
No power is strong enough
To separate me from Your love
I'm Yours...
So let the waters rise
I will stand as the oceans roar
Let the earth shake beneath me
Let the mountains fall
You are God over the storm
And I am Yours
Even the thunder and the wind obey
At the command of my Father, Father
I set my feet upon Your mighty name
So let the rain fall harder, harder
So take my everything, my flesh and blood
I'll lay me down on the altar, altar
I am forever covered in Your love
So let the rain fall
So let the waters rise
I will stand as the oceans roar
Let the earth shake beneath me
Let the mountains fall
You are God over the storm
And I am Yours
Let the waters rise
I will stand as the oceans roar
Let the earth shake beneath me
Let the mountains fall
You are God over the storm
And I am Yours
You are God over the storm
And I am Yours
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