Is love conditional? Or do we make love conditional?

So much has happened since my last blog post. I guess I should start from the beginning.
      I was laid off due to COVID at the end of May. I was so incredibly stressed out with school being virtual with the kids and working full time, and going off my depression meds. It was one of those experiences where I was so upset to be laid off, but also so grateful that I no longer was torn between being a 100% employee and 100% stay at home mom. Doing both at the same time is impossible. Up to that moment I had been praying each day for strength to do just one more day. So when I was laid off it was a relief on one hand that I had the decision made for me but then if I could be a stay at home mom without that income I would have made that decision a long time ago. So then the next stressor came right after one left, which was how was I going to ensure that my family could financially survive COVID.
      So after a lot of prayer, crying, and pleading, Heavenly Father helped me to see that His hand was in everything. It started long before I was laid off, and He reminded me that He would be there for me long after also.
     So since I was laid off we have decided to move to a new place, a less expensive state, so that I can be a stay at home mom. I will be working in my own way to support our family, but we will be structuring our whole new lives to living under one income respectively. This means that all though Maryland is one of the most beautiful places I have or ever will live, it is also one of the most expensive places to raise a family. I grew up here, and I have always known it was expensive, but as I have grown up and now have a family of my own, I now know how hard my mom had to work to help us survive after my parents divorced. So we where are we moving you might ask? Well when we know you will know. So we have been working so hard for the past 6 weeks to get the house ready to sell, and uproot our family and move to where God wants us to be. We put the house on the market next week. I am both excited and nervous. When Justin and I first had the strong impression that this is what we needed to do, we knew exactly how people would react. They would see it has irresponsible, financially a big mistake, and several other unpopular views. I told my therapist before I told anyone else. She is rather like family, except she really can say anything to me and I accept it. When I told her I held my breath, and waited for her to express the reaction I expected from anyone. Well she said that she was so happy for me and that she thought it was a great thing for me. I remember telling her just how shocked by her response I was, and she was more or less saddened that the people around us would have a negative response. But what I loved about her reasoning for being so supportive was something she and I had discussed. I spoke to her about God, and how He had so directly given me the direction we should go. She in her wisdom asked me, "Why would your parents not support you?" And I explained how they would see moving without a job as reckless with a family. She then said, "But you are just living what they have taught you. That should make them happy." And it hit me so hard that she was right. My whole life I have been taught to trust God, and do what He commands us to do. My therapist more or less helped me to see that if anyone was negative or unsupportive of what we were doing, all we needed to say in response was, "Our whole lives we have been taught to have Faith in God, and trust in Him. And I am doing exactly what I was taught. We are doing what God has commanded us to do." This is how I have been able to handle the past 6 weeks getting a house ready for the market, packing to move, and looking for a new job, new house, new schools, etc. Some days I have forgotten that God's hand has been in all of the details of our past few months. But when I do sit and really think about it, I truly can see His hand in it all. Has it all come together in the ways that I want. Nope. Nor will it. I have been reminded that my path is not the same as God's. I try and align myself the best I can with what God wants, but I am different then God, thus my ways are different. But with those differences God has still managed to show me that He loves us. It hasn't been easy. We had issues with projects around the house, money is tight, and anxiety and depression are still so real, plus add big changes we are trying to prepare our kids for. Megan is graduating therapy and although a HUGE thing, it is also very scary for her and us. We are just trying to take things one day at a time. We don't have a job offer yet, but that is okay. Has it tested my faith, well Yes it has. I am learning a lot about God this year. I am learning that His love is not conditional. He does want the best for us. But He also doesn't hold blessings as hostages. Faith is truly learning to trust that the same God we read in the Bible who parted the Red Sea, or who Healed the Sick, who Created the Earth, is the same God that can find us a job and that can move us to a good place. As I have learned while praying, fasting and reading scriptures these past few weeks, sometimes God gives us the bigger picture for us to follow, but most of the time He gives us just a page or two and then another chapter etc until we have proven that no matter what we still believe in God.
       My knowledge of faith is not perfected yet, but I am learning so much. I am grateful to a Heavenly Father who doesn't punish me when I sometimes say out loud, "Seriously why couldn't you just give us that job?" And I have questioned His love, when I put so much faith and fasting into a request for it only to feel like it fell on deaf ears. It has felt like that more than not. But then we have window miracles (a story for another time) where I cry and pray for forgiveness, and say thank you Heaven ward about 1000 times on my way to pick up said miracle.
       Has our story come to a happy ending? Not yet. But I know it will be okay. I know because the reason we started this whole crazy process is because God told us to. That is how I know it will be okay.
     I write this realizing that I have several family and friends that don't believe in a higher being. And I know they would question me, and probably want to point out all of the times I questioned God's love as maybe there isn't a God. But it is very important to me  that they know that although I hear what you are saying, and I don't want to discount what you are saying, but for me God isn't a question mark. For me the only thing that I question is, Why don't I feel deserving of God's love? I have been taught in many regards that love is conditional. And frankly that is not how I try and love, and I don't think Love should be like that. So there you go. My faith may come in question but only because I am still learning about how God loves me, and feeling deserving of that love, and asking for that love.
      So until the next post... Wish us God's love and grace. I couldn't have done any of this without Him but also without a husband who loves God just as much as I do. All we want is to live our best lives with God at the helm. So forward we go!