My dearest friend is my sweet Justin. I was driving to work this morning after being given the chance to work from home. My boss asked me why I wanted to come in when I had a chance to work from home. I told him it was because I had a lot to get done and that being home with my family is a big distraction. I could have snuggled with Justin all morning. Truly laying in the angle of his arm and chest is my favorite place to be and I only get that twice a week.
I knew that after that snuggle my depression would have sneaked in for being dishonest on my time spent on work. So I decided to avoid the traps of depression and chose to drive 45 minutes to work so that I could feel accomplished for the day. And 3 pm came around too quickly. Not nearly enough time to get done all that I needed to do for work. But as I was driving to work Justin and I's wedding song came on just as I pulled into work. I sat in my car and listened to the lyrics and they rang so true. Our wedding song is "Somebody" by Depeche Mode. Listening to that song took me back to our wedding day when we kissed across the alter. It took me to many more cherished memories of the two of us. I use to ache for Justin every night. I hated that we worked opposite shifts. Our schedules have never been complimentary our whole marriage. For almost 11 years we have been two ships passing in the night. We are hoping that to change soon. While listening to the song this morning it just made me so grateful that through 11 years of being apart more than we have been together, that we are still very much together and in love. I love my Justin more than anything. He makes me laugh, he is so kind and tender with me. He has ideas that are so opposite of mine, but he has also taught me so much and has challenged me. I am grateful for this good man.
Last night I took Meg to therapy. Its been a long bad week. She has regressed and has begun some of the habits which caused us to take her to the hospital last year. I sat outside of gymnastics last week crying to her therapist as I thought of how bad it had been before and how she was back there again. Her therapist told me that no matter what I need to protect my babies. She told me if I needed to take her to the hospital again, that it would be okay. I sobbed in my car telling her no. I did not want to go there again. I did not want that heart ache again. And she said to me, "You are not alone in this Kelly. It will be okay." Oh how it has felt like an up hill battle this week. But I made it to her therapy night. While she was in with her therapist there was a couple that came in. The husband went into therapy and Lisa sat down in the waiting area with me. She began to say "Yay!" over and over again. She kept apologizing to me for speaking, and I laughed and I said I hope it is all good news. She then began to share her heart with me. Her son and his girlfriend were expecting a sweet baby, and the baby had reached its 16th week of life. She then went on to explain how they had lost a baby at 21 weeks just a few months ago. She shared with me her necklace that contained some of the sweet baby girls remains. Abby I believe was her name. I asked her if I could pray for her son and girlfriend. She reached over and put her hand in mine and said "You have no idea how much I would love that." For the next hour she showed me pictures of sweet Abby the day she was born, lived 2 minutes outside of her mother, and passed away. The little nails, small feet the size of a thumb. Her little peace fuzz. So precious and I knew it was very sacred that she shared it with me. We sat talking about God, and our testimonies of God. We shared our churches with each other. She was looking for an urn to give to her son. Instantly I thought of my dear friends and neighbors that do amazing wood work, and showed her some of the things they have made. She wanted something beautiful and personal and I had a sweet friend with a talent that was an answer to her prayers. What always amazes me is how God loves his children. How if you are open to loving other people, that opportunities arise when you least expect it. I took Meg imagining I would get to sit and think for a few minutes without kids asking for my every attention. But he had greater plans for me. He took me out of my pain, and allowed me to be there for someone else in theirs. I wanted to record this because it was such a sweet moment for me. I have her cell and in a few weeks I will call and ask about that sweet little baby that will soon be at 21 weeks.
I started therapy this last week for myself. It was perfect timing. So much had just happened over the weekend and I needed to talk about it. Just from 45 minutes I felt this therapist cut right through me. She called me out for things, and also pointed out good too. One thing she said that I really liked was she identified and said that she can see that I am somebody that hits the ground running. But she said not everyone else is like that. And when I hear someone else telling me of their difficulties they aren't asking me to fix it for them. Instead of immediately trying to go into fix it mode and think what I would do if it were me, to take a step back and then to acknowledge what they have said, and to ask the question "What can I do for you at this moment?" And then to accept their response. Not to imagine there is something between the lines that they want me to interrupt and then act on. She said I was taking on burdens that are not mine to bare. Not only that but burdens I was not given permission to bare. She described how my love has no boundaries. She made it sound like a bad thing. I said why wouldn't someone want help and love and for someone to help fix things. She said, that giving love comes in many ways to different people. I realized after the appointment that I needed to respect others boundaries for love. As she said I don't have to stop trying to give love, but that I need to stop when they ask me to. The burden of loving so much is knowing when it is exactly that, too much. I was so set in my ways of how to love love love, that I never thought of if the other person even wanted love. She said that some people don't want love. They don't desire it. That made me sad. But I can try and respect who they are. It just will be hard! lol.
I took steps this week to remove relationships off of my instagram and facebook page, to make a ring around myself of only people who I feel uplift and enrich my life right now. I am filling my empty well. I am changing my surroundings in my home to be a place of peace for us. I am changing the food going into our bodies, hoping it will help my whole family feel better. I have finally realized I was loving my family, but probably not as much as I could because I was so focused on other people's problems. Too busy for my own. So this week was about helping fill my well and helping to fill the rest of my families wells. 2019 is going to be Kelly's year. I am going to be healthy mentally, and physically. I will be there for myself, and my family first.
Someone suggested I wasn't mentally, emotionally or physically well enough to help them. Those written words crushed me. They were said out of anger. I felt that someone had taken something I am so open about, and used it against me. To tear me down. I took several steps back from that relationship and decided to take their advise. They said I add drama and stress to their lives. How painful it was to hear that. Especially when I felt I have been the only one always standing there saying how can I help. And there they were just looking at me as a broken person, someone not giving love, but bringing pain. For someone like me who loves deeply, those words were daggers to my heart.
Well here I am. My name is Kelly. I am not broken. I am a strong, hard working woman who only wants to help. I am a mother. A wife. A Christian woman, trying to live what I believe. I look at a trial or weakness and I don't sulk in it. Instead it creates a fire within me, to fix it. I hit the ground running. So this is my year. These are the things I want to do this year. I want my home to be a place of peace by the end of May. I want to really make time to play cars with Ethan on the floor. I want to take time to sit in Megs cooling down cottage and do art. I want to love and hug Lylia more. I want to make dinner with purpose and love. I will be changing our eating in the next month. I will be digging and working in my yard preparing for a beautiful spring and a summer of bbqs and parties. I will actually read the books in my night stand that I really want to read. I am going to do Come Follow Me with my family each day. I am going to enjoy work. I will truly be joyful. And I will make distinct boundaries where there are blurred lines. I am looking forward to this year, of finding peace, joy, and contentment. And you can either come along, or if you could please, move out of my way. I cannot let someone else's reactions and emotions dictate mine. I will not be verbally or emotionally abused any longer. I will be loving and kind, but I will not be a rug to wipe your feet on after shaking me out. I want better. I think God wants better for me too. So here we go!
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