Keeping scars hidden

        I needed a friend tonight. I couldn't find one. Yes I thought to pray and I did, but I needed someone in the flesh with me.
       I sadly lost it on my kids for 3 minutes or so. And ended up crying apologizing that mommy was just feeling overwhelmed with life and that I was so sorry. Making sure they weren't going to walk away with any of my worries on their little shoulders.
      After that I came to my room to be by myself for a few minutes. I turned a show on, trying to distract myself from all that was swirling in my head.
      You know I hear people say often "if you need anything just let me know", and we know they have the best intentions most of the time. But when you actually need something are we actually there? Why instead of waiting for someone to ask for something, are we not seeking out those who need a friend.
      Someone the other day mentioned that what appeared to be an appearance that my family of 5 had a perfect life it made me laugh and say, "wait, where was I?" In all seriousness it got me thinking. Have I only been portraying myself and my life as a picture perfect scene? And then it made me think about how we each are so individual in our feelings because only we have walked in our shoes.(Besides Christ) We try to show empathy and compassion to others saying we know how they feel. But do we really? And then I got a quiet little answer in my head of, "Each child is unique. Each child has their darkest moments. Each child will feel the depths of sadness, and the highest of joy. Your darkest moment is your darkest moment. It is made and intended for you. Not to compare. Not to judge. But because you needed it. Just show love."
       I thought of this as I was thinking about how earlier I tried to console a friend. And how this is an obvious thing I fail at. When I think I am saying something comforting, well its not taken the way I hoped it would be. I've never been eloquent in my speaking or writing. It is not a natural talent of mine. And I am reminded of it often. lol.
       Then I thought about how another persons trials can become a trial for us to. Or maybe there are just a few of us out there that take mourning with others too literally. When I hear of someone's heartache, their depression, their lives ripped from them, I feel the burden on their shoulders. Some may say "no no you don't. You couldn't possibly know." And maybe this is me being big headed, but I honestly feel that I can feel what it feels like. I feel this is part of my gift of loving people.
       I'll share a story not to make myself sound amazing but hopefully to explain what I mean. Justin and I went on our first date in probably over a year. One of the things he did for me was take me to Goodwill. (Which to me is a treasure hunt, and good deals.) Anyway I have been to this Goodwill many times before, and have seen some of the workers before, and have observed how they work. There is this one girl I rather love to watch. She has short hair, she is young, has piercings and is more gothic in style. I watch as she always seems upbeat and is a good employee. Always quick to help people and has a smile. Well the night of our date, I saw my favorite employee. She was standing with her back to me about 10 feet away. She was next to a clothing rack. It was late and the store was about 20 minutes from closing. I watched as she put her head into her hands. A second later she moved some clothes to another rack and made eye contact with me. I instantly felt that I needed to make sure she was okay. I asked her, "Are you okay?" She said yes but that it had been a rough day. That her emotions go up and down a lot. I said, "Would you like a hug?" She said yes, and we hugged each other. I told her she was loved, and what I loved about her. (probably totally creepy) but I felt compelled to tell her. At the moment I had seen her head drop into her hands, I knew how she was feeling. I felt it in my body. And I knew how to show her love.
       So I wish my ability to feel another's burdens and know how to love them, translated into consoling words, I can't say that I have that part of the gift.
     
      So why did I label this post as keeping scars hidden. Well I've been keeping so much to myself for over a year. Stuff affecting loved ones very close to me. I have watched loved ones lives significantly altered. I have watched my own child struggle with a disease that I feel should never tough a child. I have watched dear friends struggling with cancer. Friends who have passed away leaving loved ones behind. I have had parental relationships dissolve into practically nothing. I have had work changes. I have had weight changes. I've been keeping each of the scars hidden. They are not my stories to share. But they affect me. So deeply. Tonight I cried as I was praying asking why I was given such a desire to help and serve and not be in the right place to do it. How I prayed that someone as willing as me, would magically appear for someone I love. I have wanted to quit my job uproot my family to be there for several of my loved ones.
     At my birthday party a friend told me something she admired about me was that I feel deeply about things. And that because of that I carry burdens that are not mine. Oh how she was so spot on. I wish I could be everywhere doing every good deed if I could.
     I wish I could be making meals for my friends families that are being affected by cancer. Three of my dear friends are fighting with cancer in their families or themselves. I have often wished I lived close so I could help fill in the gaps of love for the kids left at home. To help ease the burden of a mother worrying about not loving their kids enough because they are trying to survive. I have wanted to go and help a single mom deal with the trial of her life. For a long year it has been one of those faith yielding trials. Having no sense of light at the end of the tunnel. The type of trial that you very well doubt light is possible from something so dark and deep into your being.
     Tonight my children were in the wake of my frustration of needing to help, but having my hands completely tied. I then thought well if I help someone here, maybe someone will help there. Could that be possible. I'm not sure. In a few of the places we have lived when I was going through something difficult I do remember a few angels that came into my life. I try to be that to others, but often feel left wanting.
      So as badly as I want to open up and use this as my platform to share all that is hard in my life. I can't. Some I'm scared to share. I'd feel too vulnerable. Some are only trials by association. Some are embarrassing. Some are sensitive. Maybe if I did share maybe I would find that friend that has walked a similar trail. I don't know how to put it into words, but I will try. To me, suicidal thoughts were my lowest. A few trials gave me those feelings. Does that make me qualified to give empathy to another that got those feelings from a different sort of trial? Does one trial out way another? Is the cross that I am burdened to carry that I feel so heavy sometimes, not equal to another's unique cross?
      Someone I love will most likely read this, and maybe take this personally. It isn't meant to be. I am writing out all of my thoughts. It doesn't feel good to be told that your trials were not as difficult, when my heart feels so differently. And I imagine it doesn't feel good to hear someone say they understand when they aren't you. So where is the middle ground?
        Someday maybe I'll not have to keep the knives that are piercing my heart tonight to myself. Maybe someday I'll be allowed to share them. But maybe not. And I have to learn how to deal with these internal wounds.
      I was getting a psych eval the other day for something, and the psychiatrist a week later was going over the results. Well I'm getting a head of myself. Lets start from the beginning. I met with a psychiatrist for an evaluation for something personal. She began to ask me questions that brought up memories of my childhood. Of when my dad left our family. Of the fear I had of him, still have of him. The nightmares and trauma caused by fights, seeing things, hearing things, being told things. Two sides to every story. Who do you believe when both seem to be telling the truth. Being sexually assaulted as a child and how I have dealt with it as an adult. My relationships with each of my family members. My support network. My marriage. My employment. Everything was questioned. During the evaluation I stopped her and I said, "Is it supposed to hurt this much?" She replied, "Yes. It means you are doing this the right way." I got home and I fell to pieces. So many memories, words, images racing through my head. Triggers that I hadn't had in such a long time were all pushed. Justin seeing the agony called out of work to comfort me. He held me for a couple hours because I felt I couldn't function. It was one of the roughest days of my life. To have a flood of everything that has hurt you in your life be brought up, and talked about, and realizing that maybe I never dealt with it. Or was never given the opportunity to deal with it.
       A week later I met with her again to go over the results. I was so nervous that it was going to be like the last time. On my way to the appointment it was snowy and icy. I couldn't stop thinking of a friend who passed away in a car accident in icy conditions just a few weeks earlier. Then a car cut off a tractor trailer carrying gas or oil I suspect, and it swerved went into the median hit the guard rail between us and the other side of the highway, and mud was flying everywhere, tires screeching. He moved off onto the shoulder. I pulled off in front of him. Ran back to him and asked him if he was okay. He was upset, and raddled. The side of his truck with significant damage. I made sure he called his employeer and that he wasn't shaking when I left, although as soon as I got into my car I bawled. I could have been killed. I could have been taken from my family. Then to walk into the results of my evaluation I was in a bad place to begin. Then she said, "You look like you are going to cry. What is making you have these feelings?" I told her of the accident I was almost involved in and my friend that had just died. She understood, and changed the topic. She said my in person study I was very open. But that the online survey found me to be hiding things. Not being completely upfront. Guarded with my answers. She had found me out. How could a test know? Was it selecting one option and then changing it, surely they tracked that. Or was it how long it took me to answer? I didn't want her to know I had suicidal thoughts just the week before. I didn't want her to know about those. I hadn't had them in such a long time and felt that it was merely because I was sad about my friend. Then I thought, well I don't want her to know about my baby self harming or any of those struggles. Then I thought, well I didn't want her to know about this or this. She could see my internal struggle as she told me the results. She asked me, "Do you have any thoughts." I said, "The test is accurate. I was keeping many trials to myself." She then proceeded to tell me that I have had a life filled with trauma. And that it is apparent that I have tried to forget them. But that I need to resolve them for good, or that they would always be there affecting my life in someway.
        I walked away from that a lot more self aware. More so then I ever want to be again. lol. I felt my already long list of things to be better at just about triple in length. I have since pushed them aside, waiting for my therapy sessions to start. lol. It just made me realize how our spirit is affected on earth, will be with us forever. Do they offer therapy in Heaven? I know there is a day when we are promised to feel peace, joy and contentment. But how can all of what we have experienced remain a part of us and yet feel peace? Perfect candidate for therapy right! lol.
       Well I feel that I have said so much. If you've made it this far, I'm not sure what to say to you. Either I am sorry you read all of that. Or I hope this somehow helped you.
      As cheesy as it sounds, I truly do just want to learn to love a bit better, so then maybe some of those hidden scars in others can somehow be healed. And maybe it is through that love that peace is found.
    Good night. Oh and sorry if I started a new paragraph where I shouldn't have. I wish I cared more, but I don't. One less thing to worry about right! lol. Good night.