I was not anticipating for today to be when I got into a contemplative mood. It happens every once in a while. Usually when I am going through something difficult.
During difficult times I find as the scriptures suggest that it draws me closer to God. This is when I contemplate myself a lot more. I think of what is it that I must learn during this trial. But I am not sure I would consider what I am going through in life right now a difficult trial. Although I have a lot of pots boiling.
So since I am feeling contemplative this means that I feel like opening up. Putting it into the void and maybe it will only serve as my canvas for my feelings but maybe it could help someone else.
Lets start with something that happened a few months ago. My youngest daughter has had anger issues for a long while. Justin and I decided we wanted to help her find tools to help her learn how to deal with her anger in a healthy way. When I was growing up I had a lot of anger problems. I don't feel like I was given the tools I needed to get through it as quickly or gracefully as I feel I could have. I wanted it to be different for my baby. So we set her up for counseling. We didn't notice any changes except things got worse. One day Justin and I were sleeping in on a Saturday morning when we heard our sweet M screaming and the our L screaming to get off and it just sounded like world war three but not just a normal argument between siblings but more serious. We quickly screamed to have M and L come upstairs (yes we were lazy and wanted to be in bed while dealing with it... lol) First L came in and told us her side. Then came in M. L has often been baby boys protector. Well today she had to protect him like she has never had to before and it scared her and him. M had been pushed away harshly to save E from injury. L left and we spoke to M and asked her if what L had told us was true. M had said to E that she was going to wrap a blanket around his neck and kill him. And moved towards him to do just that. We immediately knew this was not normal. We had asked her before counseling had started if she ever wanted to hurt others or herself, and her answers had been no. Well we asked the questions again. This time she revealed to us that she was self harming, and that she had several plans for killing her sibling. She was very graphic and her ideas would definitely work. So we told her we loved her but that we needed to call her therapist to see what she thought. M left the room and we called the doctor. We were advised to get her into the hospital. This was the one Saturday we had planned to go to the pumpkin patch and do fun things as a family. We decided that we would keep M and E separate and get til Monday and call for a psychiatrist to see if medication was needed. You would not believe how hard it is to find a psychiatrist that works just with children. I found one but was told it would be a month to get her in. We didn't feel we could wait. The weekend had proven to us that M was a danger to herself and others. So we found out about a facility that we could get her evaluated. We took her, but they wouldn't even evaluate her because if she needed to be admited which they felt she should they didn't have room. So we were sent to another hospital. That hospital put us into a padded room which scared M. It scared us all. We then were told that they didn't have a children's unit and that we needed to go to a different hospital. But the other hospital was not covered by our insurance. So we called all around and finally found a hosptial about an hour from our house that had a childrens unit and that could evaluate her. So we decided to go home for the night and try the next day. So we went and she didn't get evaluated until about midnight. After the evaluation they told us she should be admitted. So Justin and I cried out of the room as we had to sign for her to be in their charge. It was the single hardest thing I have ever had to do. I knew she was only 6 and that she wouldn't understand what was happening, and it would be in a place that was scary to her and that we would only be allowed to visit once a day. And they told us they wouldn't know how long she would have to stay. When we told her I felt my heart breaking. I was aching. So she was rolled off by a nurse and we met over there and all her stuff had to be gone through to make sure it was not a danger to her or any of the other children in the unit. We met with psychiatrists and we were assured that we were doing the right thing. She was the youngest by several years. And the youngest they had had in years. I was so worried about her. Her room was bear, and had a simple pillow and blanket and her clothes on an open shelf. She wasn't allowed crayons or even a comfort item unless approved. I questioned myself over and over again. I cried the moment the unit door closed. What was I doing. Was it right? It was the longest hardest ride home. Each time we went to visit it hurt. I hated leaving her each time. But I also saw the other kids protecting her. I felt better. By the end of her stay she told me that she was glad she was here. That is was the first she hadn't felt anger in a long time. She felt safe from her triggers. We were told that we needed to have a safe zone at home for her. That she could retreat to when she was approached with her triggers. So we asked our church ward for help building a room under our stairs that we could make as this safe zone. She wouldn't be released until it was complete, and we had friends who came over everynight to work on it, so that we could have her home soon. Once it was finished she was released to us with a safety plan. I felt so un prepared. She hadn't experienced her triggers there so I felt they hadn't addressed what brought her to self harming and wanting to hurt others. She still had a lot of anger when E was mentioned. I was terrified and felt so inadequate of the task at hand. But we took her with us we got a smoothie and took a picture to say that we survived. She came home and immediately she no longer felt safe. The anger and harming got worse. I was crying and hurting so badly everyday. I had no idea what to do. All I was told was to get her into play therapy. But nothing else was given to me as a support. I found a counselor and signed her up, but was told that I would not see any fruits of the labor for a while. So to be prepared. Every night it was me against the devil in her and two other children trying to protect and love each of them. The safe zone became in her eyes as punishment. Things were not easy, and weren't for a long time. Just a few weeks ago we were told that her counselor finally had received M's trust and that therapy could start. It has been four really long months. Tears of failing as a mother. Tears of wanting to do more. Tears of just wanting to take away this depression. When we went to Disney which was right after her stay in the hospital she was so depressed. There were so many occasions I would see her sitting looking really sad. It broke my heart. I wish it had dawned on me sooner to pull her aside and tell her to take a vacation from her fears, anger, and sadness. The next day was the M I knew was in there. Then came the last day of vacation and the angry M was back with vengeance. But last night she was spewing at everyone. I have come to realize that when this happens that she is calling out for love. So I took her in my room and snuggled her tight and told her I loved her. She fell to putty in my hands. Through all of this I have learned that middle child syndrome is real. And I have learned how important one on one time is. So we have established one on one dates with each child to be fair. I have taken time out of chores of mine to spend with her loving her. We are making it. Not everyday is perfect, but the M today is not the same M 4 months ago. Heavenly Father has been with us every step of the way. He has heard our cries and has sent angels to protect when I needed them most. It is not easy being a single parent at night and relied heavily on prayer. But somehow through all of this I have learned to love harder, longer, and more perfectly.
This isn't even what was on my mind today. But I needed to write this part of my journey because it has been such a major part of my life lately. My mothering skills have been tested and tried, and I think they have been moved more towards perfection. It truly amazes me how something good can come out of something so dark and hard. Was I perfectly faithful? No. Was I trying my hardest: Yes. So anyway I am sharing something very personal. My mama bear instincts have kept this to myself. No one will be allowed to judge my baby. This was truly something her little body couldn't help. But I am grateful the spirit told me to get her into counseling when I did so that I knew what to do when the time came.
Anyway maybe I'll write another day what happened today that broke me down, made me feel more vulnerable than I have ever felt. But maybe I can open that part of my heart tomorrow. Maybe today has been too much. And I am sharing some pretty personal things anyway.
Good-night.
No comments:
Post a Comment