I have been listening to a lot of music lately. But not what I have listened to in the past. I use to listen to a show that had what they called "War of the Roses" in which they catch people cheating on their loved ones. I can't believe I use to listen to that. I mean I know it was catching them doing something bad, but at the same time, what a horrible thing to hear and witness. One day I was scanning through the channels and happened upon a christian channel. I stopped and listened. I remember while growing up I had a dear friend who joined the church I attend, and my mom mentioned that she shouldn't listen to the christian music she was accustomed to listening to. I never realized it too much but I was brought up listening to very reverent music. It didn't have a fast beat, and rarely very loud. Mormon Tab and a Majestic Sabbath CD were normal. For a long time I thought nothing else was allowed. So when I went to EFY one summer, the CD they gave to me had more upbeat music and although I liked the messages they shared, I didn't know if it was appropriate. I had this internal battle for a long time. Was it okay to sing about Jesus Christ and for it to be upbeat. I remember seeing commercials for WOW CD's on tv with people with their arms in the air, and again I wasn't sure what to think. So up until early this summer reverent music was all I listened to as far as religious music was concerned, and then inappropriate fast songs because I liked the beat. I would say I never listened to the words until I was in the car with my babies one day, and I had a normal station on and heard the words, and immediately shut it off. Even the oldies station I realized was not always appropriate. I was truly blind to it. So I found a song years ago while I was driving to work that I loved called Jar of Hearts. Before I was married I felt like I met a few guys in the world who walked around collecting their jar of hearts. Guys that were not members of the church, but who I had fallen victim to. I remember driving to work hearing this song, and it truly resonating with me. Although I was married, I felt it gave me closure to feelings I could not express or explain of my time before I was married. It was so releasing.
Now back to this summer. We have a riding lawn mower and it takes about 45 minutes to mow our lawn. I don't mind just wearing my protective ear gear, but I thought I'd enjoy listening to music instead. So I found a cheap pair of wireless ear buds and then began my journey of discovering those that have a gift of expressing in words what I could not. Pandora you type in a song or artist you like, and it matches other songs that match it. Then as you rate songs good and bad it changes the songs over time. And if you are on it long enough you have a channel that is truly you. What was the song/artist that started it all. The one that I remember resonating with me some 11 years earlier. Jar of Hearts. As I listened to my station that I created 14 years ago, it has officially become tailored to me. The station may be considered by some as sad and depressing. But for me it is a station of deeper thoughts and feelings.
When I was writing my list of qualities I wanted in a husband one of the most important things was that it had to be someone I could talk to about my Heavenly Father with. Its why I first fell in love with Stephen in high school. And then again when I fell in love with my Justin in college. It wasn't just surface level, but it was deep, and it was spiritual being speaking with mine. Something I had been searching for.
So anyway back to mowing. I love this song that Nathan Pacheco sings called "Forever" and I found out that he actually got it from another artist by the name of Kari Jobe I looked her up right away. Guess what.... she wasn't Mormon. And the song "Forever" was my testimony deeper than I could ever express in words. So the conflict of was it okay to listen to normal christian music ended. A new world had opened to me, and boy am I glad it did! My Pandora channel then had her on it, and then Meredith Andrews and many many more. All of the sudden I found people who could express me.
I went from feeling alone mowing, to feeling at home. They were speaking my worries, my desires, my concerns, and deepest loves. I knew I could never turn from it. So I wanted to write this post because I want to share myself with you.
I will share a little bit about each song of why it touches me, but really I want you to listen to it, and I want you to hear me. Because they are my words expressed through someone else's talent. If only I had such a gift. But maybe my gift is that I can share it with you in hopes that it touches your spiritual being like it touched mine.
So here is "Forever". Sung by Kari Jobe and again by Nathan Pacheco. Each different styles, but both express my very real very personal testimony of God. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s6duzVn5M6E & https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6nJ0PZt05H4.
Francesca Bastistelli "If We're Honest". https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ySa3Vu4FUW8. This is how I feel like I want my experience at church to be. I want to know people deeper. I want us to be open and vulnerable and not pretend that we aren't experiencing difficult things. That we don't have questions or struggles. I have adopted a policy that I want to be genuine to myself and that means that I talk about struggles that I have and have had. That means I'll talk about sins, struggles, and successes. Does it come all wrapped up all pretty? Nope. I have seen it make others uncomfortable, but I don't feel like its bad. I just don't think people are use to being so open. So I love the idea of "I'm a mess and so are you. We've built walls that no body can get through. Yeah it may be hard but the best thing we could ever do. Ever do. Bring your brokenness and I'll bring mine. Cause love can heal what hurt divides. And mercy is waiting on the other side. If we're honest. If we're honest. Don't pretend to be something your not. Living life afraid of getting caught. There is freedom found when we lay our secrets down at the cross, at the cross." I have found that when I have been open and vulnerable at church when it hasn't been all tied up in a bow, that I find others that are just like me. And guess what it has changed me for the better. Hopefully I've helped a few along the way as I share how I have gotten through things, but I know that I have been changed when I have had fellow sisters lay their secrets down "at [church]".
Okay next one: "Thy Will" by Hillary Scott & the Scott Family. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dp4WC_YZAuw Have you ever had those moments where you felt like life was too hard. That you get on your knees and you pray to Heavenly Father that you just don't understand why you have to suffer this much. And then the only answer you get back is that I am God and trust me? Well I have had these moments. One was when I was trying to figure out if I should go to college. Why I had to have the love of my life in England for 2 years. Then why we had to suffer through 7 years of school. Then to be laid off. To change life paths. To not see your spouse for more than a few minutes each day. Relying and holding on to that answer "I am God, and trust me."
Are you getting sick of this yet? Because I have more. Peeling off layers of my soul to you. The next one "So Will I" by Hillsong United. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNULNxlqJUU. Have you had those moments where you feel so close to God. That you feel of his greatness, of his majesty and perfectness. Where your heart is so full of gratitude. That you feel instantly so small, and yet so significant? This song is what my heart says while I feel those feelings. When I feel so very near.
Another layer... "You are for me" by Kari Jobe. v. Have you had an experience where you felt like you for just a moment felt Gethsemane's weight? That you were a drop of blood? That you are loved individually?
Okay maybe this is too much to share all at once. And maybe you are not mentally in a place where you want to hear all of this sappiness. But guess what, you are actually seeing me for who I am, what I feel, what I think.
Next layer, "Find you on my Knees" by Kari Jobe. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sx2e58cL8r4. Have you had those days where you truly can't take any more. That you feel so lost. So full of darkness. I have had this. I have had this more than I wish to share. But one I will tell you was when we lived in Reading. Justin was a funeral director intern. We lived in a funeral home and I had two small kids. And I had a husband who was 6 months into a 1 year internship. We weren't making enough to afford an apartment of our own, let alone food. We were on food stamps and WIC. I saw Justin get literally 2 hours of sleep and then be off to drive or work for hours. I didn't know 72 hour work weeks existed. I saw how the other funeral director wives were seen as. I saw the empty lonely lives they lived. I suddenly saw a future that I felt we had been lied to about. I fell into the deepest depression I'd ever experienced. I called doctor after doctor begging to pay cash since they didn't accept state insurance to let me see a doctor. That I needed medication because I was so depressed. But one after another I was turned away. I honestly remember the first time I considered suicide. I felt like I couldn't care for my children, for myself. That happiness did not exist. I felt like I wanted to fade away. I didn't want to endure so much pain. It was at the very end of what I mortally could take. My solace my comfort was teaching Seminary. Reading the scriptures daily, and feeling the spirit. But the pain lessened after Justin was not only laid off, but we were forced to move out of our home, with two young children, to a future we did not want. We could not go to. We went to my mom's. Searching for a year. This song speaks to that very very difficult 2 1/2 years we endured.
Okay this is a long post. Sorry not sorry. It is nice to share this. Hopefully someone will read it. Hopefully someone will care.
I leave you with this one: "What loves is this" by Kari Jobe. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kzLRyZMKbb0
I know God exists. And I know prayers are not only heard, but they are answered in his own way and in his own time. Come back and I'll share more of my heart with you!
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