Jesus Christ and Christmas

For those of you who want to read a fluffy post skip the beginning and middle and skip right to the end...lol.

For the past few weeks we have spent hundreds of dollars on insta care, er visits, and prescriptions and my medical patience is wearing thin. I have pulled muscles in my ribs and back and broke several ribs. It has been beyond painful. I have reinjured myself 3 times, and have been scolded by work for being sick with bronchitis and pneumonia for well over a month, and now being scolded for having broken ribs and pulled muscles. I have people left and right comparing their sickness with my own telling me that I am exaggerating or simply it could not be that painful all the time. I have been treated awful by work, been made to feel awful about taking sick time and vacation time because of it. I have been put on probation because of it, and made to work when others don't because of it. Money has been its normal tight self and this medical stuff that was not expected just makes things even tighter. On Monday I had my hand a bit pushed to put my notice in, and there are people out there who have the gall to say that it wasn't necessary or that I should have lasted longer or that it couldn't possibly be that bad. Or that how could I think to do such a thing at a time that is already tight. Well the decision was not made lightly. After much prayer and months of crying and weeks of pain and constant tears, I choose me for once. I choose to allow myself the right to get better. My body for a month now has been so tired so sick, and it is because I haven't had the time to take care of myself or my family. I don't ask for help unless it is needed and I don't rest until I know my loved ones are cared for.

I have been watching Justin and I struggle from a third persons perspective. Our schedule for the past few months has been to where we all wake up at 6:30 Justin drops lylia of at daycare heads to school then to work, then he gets home at 7:30to then study past 2am at times. I go to work,ride the bus for a half hour to then get the car to sit in traffic for 30 minutes to be the last parent to pick up their child from daycare at 6:30. To then go home make dinner, and try and get everything else done if I am feeling well. Go to bed, and start all over the next day. Life was void of any joy for months. Survival mode is an understatement. I can't think of many times I fell asleep at the same time as Justin. And things like grocery shopping was done late at night, and laundry piled up until Sunday because either justin or I had to work on saturday. The simple life pleasures of all going to church together is a thing of the past. Or having dinner together doesn't happen more than once a week, and being able to schedule doctors appointments has to be done in the evenings which results in missed meals and guilty feelings that Lylia just doesn't ever get time to be loved and played with.

So when I think of this selfish thing I have done in quitting my job I have to say that I am glad I choose to do it and feel it is the farthest thing from selfish. I thank heavenly father who knows my plan better than me and knows that I would not quit or give in until I simply could not go any further. Do I think I have failed the test, no I think I finally am doing what I should have done weeks ago. I felt a prompting several weeks ago that i should quit my job but dismissed it because financially that made no sense. But now I see that I may have avoided this all had I listened.

I look forward to being home with Lylia, to cook dinner, do laundry and clean, and play with her. There are seriously so many things that were being sacrificed that won't need to be anymore.

So today I realize that through trials what I have found was my Savior Jesus Christ. When crying in the er bed all alone wishing I didn't have to go through this I have found the comforter telling me just a little longer, just a little further, and it will be worth it. This is my 2nd day of bed rest and I was feeling so sad that Justin would not be with us on Christmas. Feeling that it was adding pain to the already existing pain in my heart,but I hold onto those feelings of, just a little longer, just a little further. I know my Savior lives and loves me. I Know my Heavenly Father loves me and is keenly aware of my little family in Pittsburgh. This moment is the closest I have felt to the Christmas spirit, and have finally found again this year my Savior. I am thankful for the pain and tears, I am thankful for my Savior. And I know that because I am following the Spirit that everything somehow will be for our good and we will make it. Many of my loved ones both family and friends are going through their own trials and I hope you find in your trials the love of our Savior as I have.

Merry Christmas!