This post is not sugar coating things, its not going to say that everything is wonderful in my life, it is going to be my woe is me sort of thing. So pass by if you feel like this sort of thing is meant for a journal and not a blog. Because tonight I don't care. Tonight I ache. So badly I have cried soo many times tonight that I thought I would be about over it, but I guess my body really needs to cry. I don't know why how over the past several years of college I wouldn't be use to awful hours, low pay, and never really feeling like life has taken on wings. But tonight I am going to admit that although there have been times where it just wasn't hard to deal with the hard stuff, well right now it is! I've been struggling for weeks with this pain. The pain that what have we worked this long and hard through college for, getting in debt, and just always saying that after it all we know it will be better. Boy have we been delusional. Life never really does seem sweet for very long does it! It kind of really sucks right now! And the part that sucks the most is feeling like even talking it out wouldn't make the ache go away. I hate the feeling of not wanting to say it out loud, in fear that someone will want to tell you to suck it up and that this is just how life is, and that yes someday it won't be this awful, and to find joy in the journey. Right now I need someone to simply just say that they know that kind of ache.
Just when I think I can't be tried any harder, Heavenly Father shows me that I can endure just a little more, but endure it with a lot more ache.
So what are the things that make the hard ache seem a little less achey? Well one is seminary. I find it so relaxing and wonderful to read the scriptures in such depth and testify of things. I took this calling for a very personal very tender mercy reason, so this calling to me is truly nothing more than something I need right now. Kind of hard to believe when it requires so much of my time, and sleep. But yet again a tender mercy.
Another thing that brings me joy of late is that I realized the other week that my laugh sounds at times just like my Grandpa Odell's! It tickles me to hear it because I just miss him so much. I feel like at times like this, that I could call him, and he would know exactly what to say to make it better.
My sweet girls are also such a blessing to me. Today I was crying so hard on my bed that my sweet Lylia came up, started to stroke my face and saying, "Mommy, its okay. I'm here and I love you." While then snuggling. Or how Meggie just makes me smile. Truly there would be not much to feel happy about without them in my life.
I have been struggling with having a deep friendship here. I am looking for that sort of friend that I have miles and miles away and that just cant go shopping with me, or come over for craft days, etc. I have tried to create that sort of friendship with two woman in my ward, but it just hasn't been reciprocated, and I don't think it ever will be. I think I need a therapist! lol. But seriously that would be the best. Paying someone to be my friend who knows mentally the things that should be said! I just wish I could go, but having a husband's job that literally takes 90% of his time doesn't really allow me time to go.
Close to the surface of my heart, I know that if I were to just get on my knees and pray to Heavenly Father that he could provide the comfort I seek. And I will do that after this. I just wanted to be real. I wanted to show my heart tonight. So here you friendemies go, an opportunity to relish in the fact that my life isn't just cookies, butterflies, and quilts! My life is real, just as yours is. And instead of being a friendemie, maybe you could learn to be a friend, or just take your life out of mine. I desire real relationships of love and concern. I desire true happiness filled with time with my whole family. I desire a normal 9 to 5 job for Justin. I desire weekends off! I desire good health insurance. I desire not to be in debt. I desire not to be in poverty and to have food stamps. I desire to not be depressed, to find joy in the small and simple again. I desire the desire to quilt again. I desire self confidence. I desire to be the best I can be. I desire that I wasn't going through any of this emotional crap so that I could help bare Justin's burdens! I know he is struggling just as much as I am, and it hurts to not be able to help him like I want to.
So at the end of this post what I am thankful for, is that I could find words to express my deepest emotions right now. I am thankful for these days that the tears come and come and come, and allow me to feel this deep hurt. Because somehow even though it cuts deep, it replenishes me also.
Mosiah 14:5
But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.
6 comments:
Kelly, this whole post just makes me really really sad. If you really do have friends that read this and get some sort of smug satisfaction, I would be absolutely appalled, because it is easy to see that you are feeling very low. I have had times where I thought there was no light at the end of the tunnel--where I couldn't see how I would ever feel better. But I promise you that it always DOES get better. Something good will happen just when you expect it least. This has happened to me countless times. It's so hard to remember when you are feeling so sad that Heavenly Father is not only aware of what you are going through, but he will also find a way to give you relief as soon as it is the right time. I wish I could be closer or do something. I feel so helpless. But I hope you do know that I love you and that I know it will be okay. It really will be. But until it is okay, crying and praying and talking to family and friends who love you is a really great way to get through.
I'm sorry for the stress and struggles in your life. WE will keep you guys in our prayers!
Kelly! I want you to know that you are loved and missed in Pittsburgh by me! I am sorry things are do difficult now. The easy thing to say is it will get better, but that really doesn't help right now. At least it doesn't for me. I often think how much better of a mother and wife I could be if I only had a therapist. But life on food stamps doesn't allow for those luxuries. I think of you often. Lots of times when getting ready in the morning, only because we are so grateful for the dresser you gave us. But also because I really miss having you around. We weren't SUPER close but I did feel like I could be myself around you and that you were being yourself around me. And that was nice. Plus you threw some great parties on your porch.
Is this too long? because I have one more thing to add. I am super impressed with your enthusiasm about Seminary. Those kids are lucky to have you. I know you are probably doing awesome.
Kelly, I am so glad I randomly checked your blog tonight because you mean the WORLD to me (and to Adam and Brigham). I seriously have no idea how to express how much love and admiration and gratitude wells up in my heart for you. You and your family changed my life and redefined what a friend and charity means to me. You are simply amazing. I love you. It breaks my heart that you are feeling the weight of the world. I wish there was someone to come and watch chick flix with you and eat homemade ice cream :) and have craft days with you and the girls. I pray that when we finally graduate and move out of Pitt that we will be lucky enough to have neighbors like you. Seriously, I love your guts! and I'm sorry you've only met the frenemies, pretenemies, and palholes (from a Psych episode) near you. You guys deserve to meet some soul-friends since you are golden. Thank you for being real and actually expressing how you are feeling. I agree with Juli, those seminary kids are lucky to have you and I hope they know it. I would love to see you soon! Call whenever you can deary.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Sending lots of Love!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 Miss you guys!!!
I am so sorry things are rough right now. You are a sweet person and a good person and have such a beautiful family. (And I bet you are an awesome seminary teacher!) I'm glad you're coming to visit soon: being with family always lifts my spirits and hopefully a little break from the routine will be nice too. Sending love from Syracuse!!
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