Closure

I've been thinking a lot lately about friends lost and not forgotten. I've been having dreams about all of my friends who don't consider me their friend anymore and it saddens me very much. I counted last night how many it is and it is something like 15. I still keep in contact with maybe 4 of them, but nothing like our friendships use to be. I've thought a lot about why it is that these friends and I have fallen out, and all have one thing in common; they were once active members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and they no longer are. This has not stopped me from wanting and desiring their friendship, but it has for them. I care so much for them, it hurts my heart to have all these memories and think that I will never have more of them with these people. I remember getting a birthday present one year from one of them that said "Life is Fragile. Handle it with prayer" It hangs in Lylia's room now, as a reminder that life is fragile. That dear friend no longer believes in prayer. The other day I picked the phone up to call one of my lost friends and no one answered. I thought about leaving a message, and in a sense getting a little closure, but did not. Part of me doesn't want closure. I have a weird need to know why. Why we don't talk any more, why they left the church, why for so many years they bore testimony to me, and then don't believe it anymore. I know I will not get those answers, as I am sure they don't know themselves. I guess my need to want closure is to allow myself to let people in more freely. To not be afraid to make friends after feeling so hurt by so many loved friends. If I leave the door open, never having that ending friendship conversation, I keep hoping that someday they will care as much about our friendship as I still do and call me. Is that naive to think. Probably, and that is what I hate. I sit around waiting, for something I know very well will never come. How does one get past the hurt? I just wish that people could love and care for our friendship as much as I feel I care about it. None of my 15 friends will read this, but I had to share it outloud, to get past it even just a little bit. I will just say this, I love you. I care deeply for you. I so want to be your friend. I know that the Church of Jesus Christ is the true church. It is not always easy to be an active member, but I know that the joy and blessings that come from it are real. You don't have to be a member to be loved by me, I just wish we could understand one another. I love you, and although you've forgotten about me...I've not forgotten about you!

On a lighter note, this is a picture of Lylia in the bath tub! Cute little baby! She makes me smile!